Down, But Not Out

I’ve been a bit quiet lately.

Do I have the holiday blues? Not really. One of the things I’ve learned to accept is that I only want to do Christmas when it’s cold. There aren’t any decorations in my house. There aren’t any reminders that Christmas is only 5 days away.

Things are a little harder these days and I seem to want to be alone more. The only person I really want to see or interact with is my partner because he helps me put my thoughts into perspective. He does a really good job with that. He’s well-equipped for that academically and professionally. When I am feeling low, he’s my go-to person. At the same time, I don’t want to burden him with my issues, because I know my poor guy lives in a stressful world of his own. One of the hardest things for me to accept is that there are people who are happy to listen to my issues and problems.

I’ve just been down lately but as weird as it sounds, I am not feeling depressed. I am just down because my money isn’t lasting as long as it used to. Since I’ve moved, I’ve been struggling a bit more, but at the same time, I am not suffering. I’d like to save more though. The fact that I’m not able to save more is really bothering me because I am going to be paying a mortgage soon. I feel like I just finished paying my overdue debts from when I moved here permanently. (I made quite a few bad decisions–like not paying my bills.)

My primary job is really stressful and I try to limit going overboard with it so I can stay sane. I just need to work more and that in turn is adding to my stress. I’m also separated from my partner as well. I do get pretty excited when I get to see him. I get to see him on Wednesday afternoon, but who’s counting down? I absolutely love this guy and I’d love to share more of our lives together, but well, yeah, I know we have to keep things a bit under wraps publicly.

It could be worse, maybe?

So yeah, I am working nights mostly. I sleep during the day and I am awake at night. I woke up at 11 pm, got up and played ARK and here I am now at 5 am. Things are quiet when I have nights off. I kind of like it sometimes, but it’s so weird because I don’t answer messages and calls because I feel like I’m sleeping all the time. It’s why I haven’t been able to do much with my websites lately.

So, yeah, it’s just a temporary down. I find the good things in every crappy situation and it helps. It lasts for a day or two, and then I am fine. It doesn’t last weeks like it used to. I just wish things were a bit more manageable and wish that my partner was a bit closer. I also realise that people are doing it worse than I am right now. I am very grateful I have a job and a place I like (though all the damned moths are driving me insane).

I shall be back with a podcast episode soon, I hope. I have picked up a few more work days so don’t expect anything long and magical. That’s all from me. Thanks for listening.

Today’s Podcast Episode is Cancelled

I didn’t know where I should post this, so I am posting it here. Podcasting hasn’t really been a priority for me lately, so I have cancelled my next planned podcast episode. That means that will try really hard to care enough to do another one before the end of the year. We will see whether that happens or not.

Moving to my own space that I don’t depend on my partner to share costs makes money a bit tight, so I’ve had to work a bit more. Working more makes me more tired and of course that makes me care a lot less. My hosting costs have gone up around 33% as well, so believe me, I have thought about abandoning everything. I decided against it because this is my therapy. Believe me, right now I need this more than I have needed it in years.

In the upcoming year, I want to focus less on podcasting and more on my other projects. I’ve also made the decision to wind down my IT consulting. I have this problem of wanting to do too many things at the same time, so I am stepping back in hopes that it will improve my mental health. It’s having a bit of a rough run right now, and instead of letting things get bad, I thought maybe I should try to enjoy living a bit more. It’s hard to do when you’re spending most of your time at work. Of course, if you love what you do, that’s good, right?

I like what I do. I don’t always love it, but I am happy with what I’m doing now. I’ve had a week off and heading back tomorrow.

Didn’t I just say that I needed to work more? Yes. I am working all my required hours in one clump, and then “relaxing” later. I am not broke. I am not having money problems, but my partner regularly informs me that we’re building a house next year and gets angry every time I think about doing anything for myself.

Oh well.

So this is a little bit of what I would have put in a podcast episode. Some people don’t like to read. I don’t blame you. And right now, I’m sick of hearing about peoples’ problems.

I’m gonna go for now. I am also rewriting the code to my website. It looks similar, but quite a lot is being removed… mostly code is being removed that isn’t optimised or is not being used. Whatever makes it function better. New media player. New feedback options. That kind of thing.

I’m outta here. Take care of yourselves.