Heartrated

Hi there. Before I start just let me preface this by saying that I’m posting from my phone which will mean this will be short and sweet. Oh, and there may be terrible grammar in here too.

I’ve been busy. I can’t explain why my work life has exploded. I haven’t even really worked more hours or anything but the work I’m doing is more strenuous. Maybe that’s why I feel so worn out.

I’m also feeling like the anxiety is starting to creep in. There are reasons for that because of the job I work in but it’s at a bad level. Let me show you what it’s been like courtesy of my smart watch.

Let me explain. You can see when I’m at home (probably asleep) vs when I’m at work. A heart rate that is over 100 beats per minute is considered tachycardia. This is at rest. I say that loosely though. I am incredibly anxious at work but a lot of it is physical too. Hours of having a high heart rate from doing something that isn’t strenuous isn’t great.

I’m incredibly out of shape too. Not big or chubby but out of shape. I’m going to try to work on this because my strength is so low lately. My husband has resisted my requests to go back to the gym for a few years because I’m usually happy to pay more for bigger facilities that has a pool. I think I’m going to go back because my lack of strength and energy is scary.

Did I mention that my blood pressure that day was very high too? Scary stuff. This is the kind of stuff that has made a lot of my family member’s lives miserable. I need to break that cycle.

I wish myself luck.

Mr. Empty Moneybags

My hand/wrist/arm is starting to bother me again, but at least I can still type without it hurting too much, so who knows how long this one’s going to be.

Things are getting more expensive. I was given a notice from the real estate agency that my rent is going up almost $400 per month. I just told them a few weeks ago that I was happy to extend my rental lease for another 6 months instead of a year. There is a bit of uncertainty of when (or where) the husband and I are moving in together while our house is being built.

Yesterday, I received a reminder about my car registration that’s due next month. That’s a bit more than $800 a year. Luckily, I can split that up into 2 or 4 payments (possibly three?). When I bought my car, it was paid upfront and it was a little cheaper. Back in Texas, I remember our vehicle registration cost being about $80 per year, of course that was like 15+ years ago.

I’m also studying full-time next semester so I can make an extra $10-20 per hour one of these days. I asked for a decrease of my contracted hours at work for this reason. Now I’m regretting it because I will need these hours.

Money’s tight and I am starting to feel the pressure. I don’t know how people get by, honestly. Luckily, I don’t have any serious financial issues. I don’t have overdue bills and don’t struggle to pay a bulk of my bills (for now). I have plenty of food and I have a nice place that’s walking distance from the beach. That’s why I say that I don’t know how a lot of people afford to live day to day, especially when they rely on a pension to get by. I feel for them.

It’s just really expensive to even exist in Australia right now and the pressure is on for me to cut costs again, so this is what I’ve done:

  • Coffee Subscription: No more coffee capsules delivered to my place (monthly or bimonthly). I’ve saved $25 per month.
  • Elder Scrolls Online: No more ESO subscription. It’s actually good value for the money, but lately I find myself just logging in and then logging out for the daily bonus. I maybe play for about 2 hours once or twice per week. I’ve saved $14 per month there.
  • Unlimited grocery deliveries: This is a convenience thing for me because I hate shopping and my erratic work hours make this difficult. BUT it’s unnecessary. And I’m also tired of ordering something and getting the lactose and gluten free equivalents because someone wasn’t paying attention to what I ordered. Anyway, I’ve saved $15 a month from this.
  • Electronics buying sprees: I’ve cut down on this quite a bit lately because I’ve got plenty of stuff that I don’t use. It’s nice to have and it keeps me from spending money entertaining myself. The savings are limitless!
  • Unnecessary traveling: I still do casual work when I go see my husband but I’ve cut that down too because fuel prices have gotten so bad. I’m going there about once per month now if I have additional work to do. My car is a hybrid, but it still costs me a bit to drive back and forth. It is an 8 hour return drive… I thought about trading my car in for something smaller, but decided against it.

Small changes will add up. I really don’t want to go back to living the way that I used to: miserable and poor. I just wish things were more affordable. My jobs are already stressful and I don’t want to have to work more to make ends meet, but if that’s what I have to do, then that’s what I’m going to do.

I’m also considering going back to the gym because my strength is complete garbage right now. I’m tired of having everybody do my heavy lifting.

That’s all for now. I need to stay awake for a while so that I can sleep during the day. See everybody later!

Almost a Year

This morning I received an email from my real estate company asking whether I would like to renew my lease on my apartment. My initial reaction was “what did I do?!” I quickly realised that it’s almost been a whole year since I moved from the rural town I lived in for almost four years—with my husband.

A year already? Wow. Time sure does fly and it seems to get closer to Mach speed the older I get. My 20s feel like they were 5 years ago. I think about all the things I’ve done and it feels like just yesterday.

In case you’ve missed it, my partner and I have a plot of land and we’ll be building next year. I am guessing early-2023. I’ve got an option to renew my lease for 6 or 12 months so I am hoping that the landlord will accept 6 with an option to extend it if I need to because we all know that things can happen and with all the collapses of home builders in Australia, it would make me feel better.

I’d say the last year has gone pretty okay. If I could stop getting injuries and health problems though, that would be absolutely perfect.

What a [toenail] Ripper…

I’ve been really busy lately with work and decided a couple of days ago that I would temporarily cut my contracted number of hours a little. I still have the freedom to work as much as I want to, but the minimum number of hours I work will fall. This is also temporary too… just so I can get some of my happiness back. I don’t want to overdo it, though I love what I do. And no matter how I ache, I usually like to go because it pays my bills and lifestyle of coffee, KFC, and cheese pizzas.

The other morning, after I finished work, I thought it would be a good idea to run up my stairs with a blanket. Being the clumsy oaf that I am, I fell and somehow tore my toenail halfway off my toe. I’ve been hobbling around. Working has been a little painful, but I still manage.

I don’t want to gross anybody out by including a picture of it, but my toenail has been torn halfway up my toenail. It surprisingly doesn’t hurt as much as I thought that it would. But it also sucks too because I am a very fast walker. It’s slowed me down a bit. I don’t like that.

Otherwise, things are okay. I am just sick of having one injury and before that fully heals, get another one. It bites. I’m good though.

April Showers Brings a New Podcast Episode

I sat down in front of my microphone and recorded a new podcast episode since, you know, I haven’t actually done that since October. I haven’t really been in the greatest physical or mental state for a bit, so I haven’t bothered recording… or posting anything here… or even chatting. I just haven’t been in a mood to do any of these things.

I haven’t been overly sad, depressed, or upset or anything like that. Well, let me take some of that back. In my latest podcast episode, I talk about some health issues that have prevented me from typing or doing anything with my left hand (and sometimes right hand). That, admittedly, was really hard. I had to take about a month of sick leave from work and a lot of my annual leave was used up. I had no choice but to go back to work, but at that time, things were about 80% better. I still struggle sometimes, but for the most part, it’s business as usual with an application of some topical medication, wrist braces, and ibuprofen.

This is probably something that I didn’t say in the podcast, but I got really down after a while because I thought that the use of my hands was gone for good. How would I work? How would I cook? How would I drive? Why didn’t the medications work? What was wrong with me??? For the first time in a long time, I was depressed. My partner isn’t here to help me and I have bills to pay. I stayed in bed hoping that resting my limbs would be the magic cure.

Luckily, things are better now. I am almost at full capacity again. I took some supplements and things started feeling better.

What it made me realise is how it may feel for someone who loses function in a body part at some point in their life and then it’s permanent. I really respect people who have suffered some sort of disability and they have to find new ways to do things they used to do. It takes so much hard work and perseverance, not to mention strength.

I’m lucky that my arms, wrists, and hands function again. Sure, it’s not perfect, but who’s to say it will stay that way? It’s a scary thought, but as scary and frustrating as it is, adapting to a new life is necessary.

If you want to listen to the new podcast episode, you can subscribe to Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, or listen below.

Also, did you know that I am on Mastodon instead of Twitter? Try it out!

Also, I am not promising any additional publicly available podcasts at this time. Let’s not set our expectations, eh?

March Update

Hi everyone! It’s been a while since I’ve written anything here and I thought I’d throw an update your way. Right now, I am having to take some time off from work due to an injury. I can’t really tell you how I did it, but my arm, wrist, and hand is screwed up. Doing anything with my hand is a bit irritating. No amount of pain relief is helping but the pain isn’t constant so that’s a plus, right? The palm of my hand constantly hurts though. That sucks.

Otherwise, I am okay. I get a bit bummed out lately since I can’t do much of anything fun. Everything seems to take me a lot longer to get done and that makes me quite sad. It does, however, make me have more sympathy for people who have permanently lost all their function in their limbs. I am having to learn new ways to do things. Even typing this is uncomfortable.

That’s why this won’t be too long.

I am also thinking of adding a new podcast episode soon, but we’ll see how that goes. Downtime does this to you.

Music work has been paused too.

I hope everybody out there is doing well and taking care of yourselves. Hopefully we’ll see you around. 🙂

Trimming Things Down

Hello, all.

A few changes are coming. And I am under a huge amount of stress. And I might be a little crazy. (But that’s okay… and expected.)

Removing Twitter Integration

Celebrate, for this is the last Twitter notification for a new post at my weblog! I don’t read my Twitter feed anymore. I don’t even post anything anymore except the odd complaint about how tired and exhausted I am. You’re saved.

Having said that though, it would be responsible of me to let you know that you can follow my boring antics at Mastodon. At least I know Mastodon doesn’t make it their business model to follow me around on the Internet.

Removing Telegram Integration Too

Does anybody even realise that this is a thing? No? Okay, then.

Also, this will be the last notification at Telegram because blog posts are becoming so rare–what’s the point?

There will be no more updates being sent to the chatroom and I am thinking that chatroom probably won’t be around very long either…

New Podcast Episodes? No Thanks.

I have no plans right now to record. I’m just not interested right now. Now, if something changes somehow by a miracle, I might start again. I guess this isn’t the end of it, but damn it, it’s close.

Website Redesign… Slowly

Most of my website revolves around regularly updating my podcast which hasn’t happened since October 2021. I will do a bit of work here and there to defocus the podcast component.

As I’ve mentioned in passing, I don’t know whether I will continue all of this next year.

Why Is This F***ing Happening

The past several months have been brutal at times. My calendar of events has turned into a mess of “go to work, go home, travel for 4 hours, go to work at another job, stay with my partner, travel 4 hours, and go home” then rinse and repeat. It’s exhausting and I’m struggling to cope at times. If I can stop stressing over stuff that doesn’t matter (like podcasting), I will have some time to sit back and unwind.

It’s so hard to relax and I don’t think that this post really reflects my feelings. I am back to being on edge again. That’s not a good thing. At the end of the day, my mental health is most important. I am not sorry. I am tired of being afraid to say “no”. I’m just over it.

If you do want to stay in touch, you can message me via Telegram, message me through my site or follow me with Mastodon. I am not disappearing because I am “too busy”. I’m just removing a lot of the BS in my life right now. Podcasting and talking about my problems with myself or others no longer has a therapeutic effect for me. I am tackling it on my own with a better mindset and it’s been the only thing that hasn’t pulled me down a hole of self-loathing and sadness. I am okay. I just need to chill the fuck out a bit.

See you around? I hope so!

A Very Possible End to an Era

Hi folks! I know that my posts here and new podcast episodes have begun to get more and more irregular for the past year and if you actually read this and somehow look forward to new content, I apologise. It has been a very brutal couple of years.

First, I’d like to say thank you for reading. I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t believe I had some kind of audience. I know that audience has shrunk over the past few years and I accept that.

I am becoming more and more reluctant to discuss my private life and inner thoughts because I realise so much can be regurgitated and thrown in my face later. What goes up on the internet can possibly stick around forever. I’ve found the amount of oversharing I’ve done over the past 20+ years is alarming and well, I am growing very tired of it. My personal website is suffering and I’ve thought about just quitting quite a few times. Every time I try to, I come back because I like being creative. I see web design sometimes as an artistic craft. I like digital art.

What I am trying to say is that it is very possible that this will be my final year with a personal website. I might try to keep it around for my more creative projects if I can get to the point where I want to SHARE that with people. Who knows. As I’ve said before, every time I try to stop, I end up coming back. Do I fight the urge or do I let things go?

The podcast is suffering as well. I know I’ve had 3 or 4 restarts of it because my interest comes and goes. I tried to motivate myself by making a posting schedule as a guideline. Obviously, that hasn’t worked because the last one I recorded was back in October. The next one has been moved about 6 or 7 times now. That’s not good. Again, it’s about not sharing so much. I’m happy to keep it around, but if I do continue it, I want it to be a little showcase of the stuff I make.

I’m going to see how the year goes. I am still developing my website, but I am removing things going forward.

As always, I hope this finds you well. I hope everything is going well for you. I will be around in one form or another, but I am guessing you’re going to have to make some effort to find me.

Down, But Not Out

I’ve been a bit quiet lately.

Do I have the holiday blues? Not really. One of the things I’ve learned to accept is that I only want to do Christmas when it’s cold. There aren’t any decorations in my house. There aren’t any reminders that Christmas is only 5 days away.

Things are a little harder these days and I seem to want to be alone more. The only person I really want to see or interact with is my partner because he helps me put my thoughts into perspective. He does a really good job with that. He’s well-equipped for that academically and professionally. When I am feeling low, he’s my go-to person. At the same time, I don’t want to burden him with my issues, because I know my poor guy lives in a stressful world of his own. One of the hardest things for me to accept is that there are people who are happy to listen to my issues and problems.

I’ve just been down lately but as weird as it sounds, I am not feeling depressed. I am just down because my money isn’t lasting as long as it used to. Since I’ve moved, I’ve been struggling a bit more, but at the same time, I am not suffering. I’d like to save more though. The fact that I’m not able to save more is really bothering me because I am going to be paying a mortgage soon. I feel like I just finished paying my overdue debts from when I moved here permanently. (I made quite a few bad decisions–like not paying my bills.)

My primary job is really stressful and I try to limit going overboard with it so I can stay sane. I just need to work more and that in turn is adding to my stress. I’m also separated from my partner as well. I do get pretty excited when I get to see him. I get to see him on Wednesday afternoon, but who’s counting down? I absolutely love this guy and I’d love to share more of our lives together, but well, yeah, I know we have to keep things a bit under wraps publicly.

It could be worse, maybe?

So yeah, I am working nights mostly. I sleep during the day and I am awake at night. I woke up at 11 pm, got up and played ARK and here I am now at 5 am. Things are quiet when I have nights off. I kind of like it sometimes, but it’s so weird because I don’t answer messages and calls because I feel like I’m sleeping all the time. It’s why I haven’t been able to do much with my websites lately.

So, yeah, it’s just a temporary down. I find the good things in every crappy situation and it helps. It lasts for a day or two, and then I am fine. It doesn’t last weeks like it used to. I just wish things were a bit more manageable and wish that my partner was a bit closer. I also realise that people are doing it worse than I am right now. I am very grateful I have a job and a place I like (though all the damned moths are driving me insane).

I shall be back with a podcast episode soon, I hope. I have picked up a few more work days so don’t expect anything long and magical. That’s all from me. Thanks for listening.

Random Stuff in November

Wow! The new year is just around the corner and what a socially isolated year it has been. I can probably count the number of times I posted here on my fingers and toes. I guess that’s what happens when you can’t go anywhere and do anything.

So what’s happening for the rest of the year for me?

Podcasting

Two more episodes are coming (as far as I’ve planned). Both are kind of those “obligatory” episodes–the giving thanks and Christmas-time/end-of-year one. I’m just going to explain what my blessings have been over the year and what is coming in the year ahead (if everything goes nicely).

Website

I am really struggling to justify why I even have a personal website and have told people that this upcoming year is probably the last year. I say that a lot, but it rarely happens. So… who knows what’s going to happen. I am working on stuff though, mostly the link router code, podcast guide code, and media player. I’m actually currently working on all three in my spare time.

Spare Time?

I don’t have much due to my new job and travelling, sadly. So progress is a bit slow.

Lemonade in the Machine

I spilled lemonade (the equivalent of Sprite or 7-up) in my keyboard. Boo.

Watching the Case for Luxuries

I want to update my Apple Watch from the series 4 to the latest. Because I keep getting sick and have a very small amount of sick hours, I can’t get that right now. It’s a luxury that I can do without. It’s the first time in a while that my finances are very tight. I am okay, but if you think you don’t have money, you will spend less, right?

Accounting and Coffee

I don’t know if you knew, but if you have an account at my website, you can access not-so-public stuff like podcast episodes that aren’t on the feed and some of my music. If you support me with 3 coffees, I’ll give you access to that for about a year. Just tell me through the contact form after you sign up for an account, and I’ll credit you.

I will warn you that not a lot is available at the moment, but there is some new content. Right now, anybody with an account can access the hidden stuff so you don’t have to give me coffee if you don’t want to. I do like coffee though! 😉

End

There’s not much more to say except that I am not posting much on Twitter or this blog lately. I use Mastodon instead. Follow me if you want to.

What Happens Now?

It’s that time of the year: my hosting account needs a sacrifice of money to continue. Fun fact though: I have paid next year’s hosting about 6 months ago. I’ve had a personal website since 1998 and I have been oversharing what happens in my life since then.

I have been documenting some aspects of my life for a really long time. In hindsight, I have made a ton of mistakes and probably have ruined any chance I have running for any political office due to my sometimes not-so-popular opinions.

The Internet has allowed me to open up about things and get things off my chance over the years which is a good thing. There were times when I thought I was alone only to find that I wasn’t. Sometimes I think the connection with like-minded individuals probably saved my life. I’m so thankful for that.

Until I discovered this big online world, I was shy and well, I didn’t have many friends. Of course, a lot of that was due to my upbringing. I like my quiet life mostly. I don’t think I would really enjoy getting attention. I don’t know how I would handle that, but I have to say that I can see how celebrities go off the deep end at times.

Lately, and especially since I moved away from my partner, I have felt like I want some attention. I need some form of social interaction but living in a “new” place makes it a bit hard. Sure, I’ve got extended family there, but I don’t feel like I can rush there every time I get sad, lonely, and unhappy.

As I write this, I am in my “old” place with my husband and I am pretty happy. I miss the guy a lot even if he irritates me sometimes. It will be hard to return home when I have to go in a few days.

I will be fine. I chose this lonely sort of life but at the same time, I know that I have the support of strangers which, in a way, makes me feel better.

Rambling completed. It’s nice to have you here, even if you just read. 🙂

Happy Halloween

Here’s hoping that you have a scary Halloween! Stuff your face of treats and don’t forget to scare the piss out of your friends!

woman in black dress standing on brown dried leaves
Photo by Monstera on Pexels.com

I don’t really do the Halloween thing in Australia and I am a little jealous when I see all my family and friends having a good time. Whatever you do, be safe and stay healthy! 🙂

Slacking

My post-move podcast episode is on the backburner right now. I just don’t have the time and energy to record anything. Moving away is stressful and separating from the partner isn’t easy either. (We are still a couple, but I took a job somewhere else. I still can’t remove that feeling of feeling that this has been a really selfish move.

As you can see, I am having a hard time processing things, but also, my lovely partner has been so supportive in all this. He’s a gem. I still feel like what I did was selfish.

Anyway, I am just letting everybody know what’s happening with me, and as I said, I will try my hardest to record something… I might just bring along my phone and record with it.

I’ll see you all later. I am all good.

The Cat’s Out of the Bagel

I’ve been delaying my new podcast episode because things are a little crazy right now.

Meow

Long story short: I’ve got a new job and I’m moving more than 4 hours away from here. I’ve been busy trying to find a place and it hasn’t been easy. If you have a hard time with rejection and you’d like some practice, apply for rental houses. You’ll get used to it after a while. It still feels bad, but I have to say that the ones they’ve rejected need tenants right away. I started applying for places that need tenants after I leave my job here. Right now, there’s like a 2-5 day gap from me leaving my current role and going to my new one. So my schedule is pretty tight.

I’m still looking for a house but with no notice, I can’t find a place and move into it. Plus, I want to save a bit more.

I have a lot of feelings with this move and I don’t feel like I’ve processed them yet, so my next podcast episode will be full of processing. It’s not a simple move, unfortunately. No breakups or separations are involved, by the way. 😉

Everybody take care of yourselves. Excuse the grammatical issues you may run into. See you later!