Freedom

Finally, it is done, and I am back home. I didn’t think that would ever end, but it did and now I’ve got one free night to myself before I have to plunge back into the wonderful world of working to earn money so I can level up my adulting. It’s not an exciting life, but it is my life.

Today, I spent my time going through boxes, getting out old electronics and stuff that I haven’t used in a really long time. I grabbed my old iPhone and Apple Watch out of my desk. The batteries were dead. I thought that I might try to sell some of the old stuff lying around.

But then I remembered how much I hate dealing with people about selling stuff online. I’m not too fond of the general stupidity of people on marketplaces. I powered it all up, activated a new line on my old phone, and then told myself it was okay because I needed a dedicated line for my business that I had done nothing with lately.

I do like my old iPhone though. The size is nice. It still functions just fine, but I really can’t be holding on to all these gadgets forever.

In the short time I’ve had two phones, I have to say that I don’t know how people do it. I think my husband totes around three of them for some reason.

I also dug out all my Philips Hue stuff. Set it all up, then realised that to power it, I needed to plug in an old Apple router, connect the Hue Bridge, and then plug in a light. That’s a lot of wasted energy. About 20 minutes later, I disconnected it and threw it into a box. I guess I just couldn’t be bothered anymore.

I think about it sometimes and think I should enjoy this freedom from everything while I can. In less than a year, my husband and I are moving into a new house and to be frankly honest, it still scares me a bit because I liked the freedom of not having to work my fingers to the bone for money. I feel like I will need to be an adult and act like one finally.

I guess that’s it from me for now. I think I’m just thankful to be in my own space so I can do my own thing in as few clothes as possible.

I Scream into the Void

ice cream at Harajuku Takeshita Street
ice cream at Harajuku Takeshita Street by sysbird is licensed under CC-CC0 1.0

You know that butterflies in the stomach kind of feeling right before you submit something to be marked, knowing that it’s not the best thing you’ve ever written? How do you feel afterwards? Relief?

Well, I actually feel WORSE after I submit something. I don’t know why. I start to get physically sick. It sucks. I feel like it’s subpar probably because it is. I’ve been so busy that I just submitted what I could and called it a day. I figure something is better than nothing, right?

I’m away from home for a few more days. I’ll be so happy to get back home where I can do my own thing in as much clothing as I want. I never have liked the shared accommodation thing. I think I might have seen two of these people once each and that was just like a “hello”. I also get pretty annoying having to get dressed to go to the toilet.

Anyway, I guess I am a bit of a nudist but I don’t think everybody appreciates that.

So, 4/5 more days left and I am out of here. I’m over it. I want this to be done.

Things Are… Interesting?

Hello everyone. I hope you’re well. If you aren’t, I sincerely hope things get better. I’ve been a bit busy lately with work, study, and other things in my life. My thoughts have been full of a lot of negativity, so I thought I’d come here and give myself some therapy. Life’s difficult at the moment. My health isn’t as excellent as it could be, but I’ll explain that below.

The Not-So-Good

Notice how I didn’t say “bad”? That’s the start of making me sad, unfulfilled, and mopey. So, let’s work through my stressors and what I can do about them.

Health

I am stressed. I’ve distanced myself from social media, friends, and even my partner. I believe that this stress has also overlapped with some health problems. For example, I’ve been having trouble with my gut again. I’ve always had some kind of issue with them from when I was a child. Nausea, vomiting, going to the toilet too much, going to the bathroom not enough, and stomach aches to summarise most of my childhood, unfortunately. It has been reoccurring so much that I had to go to the emergency department yesterday. I spent seven hours there yesterday. Again, my blood pressure is high. My blood pressure has been creeping up, and I’ve noticed that it would get terrible at work. My pulse would get up to over 120, and I would get dizzy. So yeah, things have been challenging. It seems to creep up more when I study and work.

Okay, that was a lot, right? So what is my plan to tackle this? First, I need to change my diet. Since I’ve moved away from my husband, I’ve been eating a LOT of fast food. It’s just convenient. I’ve got over 25,000 Macca’s Reward Points in just a few months. That’s probably about $235 or more in junk food. Can I fix that? Of course, I can. I can cook, and even when I do, it’s simple. I’ve also got a gym membership that doesn’t get used much, so it’s about time to start using it once I get back home. (I have two more weeks here before returning home.)

You know what else? My father passed away early because of his cardiovascular health, so I need to be more careful.

Work

We’re dealing with severe staff shortages at work, so when I go in, I have to do the work of two people since there is no available staff. It makes going to work a bit of a bummer, and it is exhausting. Don’t get me wrong, though–I love what I do. However, I don’t love it enough to keep myself exhausted. I need the money, but I don’t need the extra stress. The amount of work I do for my primary job is just enough so that I don’t end up hating my job.

Did you know that I have a second job in the same position? The same problems occur there, but they are multiplied. I definitely can’t work more than I do there. Also, this job is a four-hour drive away. The good thing is that I work when I can and have my husband there to keep me happy and sane.

Study

I’m studying in the same field I work in, and I sometimes feel like when I study, I don’t have the necessary time off from work. I’ve got extra pressures when I study, which physically and mentally wear me out. It is terrific that they’re related, but I feel as if I don’t have much of an escape when I need to get away from things.

Social Isolation

This isn’t such a problem for someone like me. I thoroughly enjoy the time and space I have for myself. I tend to distance myself when I am worried, depressed, stressed, or anxious. People see it as rude, but it is one of my coping mechanisms. I sometimes find that not talking about it or thinking about it helps. That’s usually not a long-term solution because look at what I’m doing now!

I am not paranoid about going out and catching COVID-19 or the flu. Given a choice, though, I would rather not have to deal with either of these conditions. So I go out shopping and stuff when I really need to. I’ve discovered, however, that it makes me incredibly anxious being out in public the longer I go without going out. I need more practice!

The Good

Now, let’s list some of the good things that are going on in my life.

Husband and Extended Family

My husband is incredibly supportive. I think sometimes he doesn’t agree with what I do–like moving away from him, but overall, he’s supportive and lets me know that he cares for and loves me regardless of how I feel. When I feel bad about a decision, I just talk to him, and he’ll usually get me to rethink it so that it doesn’t seem like such a terrible decision. We’ve just celebrated 5 years of marriage, and 99.4% of the time, I am happy with that decision. The 0.6% missing is that he is sometimes a bit too loud and annoying. I don’t like his singing, but because I love him, I deal with it.

I’m not a good singer too, and I’m sure he cringes every time I try to sing.

When I married him, I got some family members here in Australia, which is nice. It feels really nice knowing that they’re here. When I get lonely or something, I know that I can call them up or visit them. That feels great.

Work

As I’ve said, I love my job, and I usually feel pretty good about what I do at the end of the day. It doesn’t feel like a way to make money but a way to make a difference in people’s lives. When I am away from work for some time, I feel lost and am eager to return. Let’s just say that I love my job enough to the point I don’t want to suffer from burnout.

Study

I am almost done–for good!

Health

I might have high blood pressure, but there is still time to do something about it! So let’s do it! (I probably need to have my cholesterol checked too.)

Immediate Family

I am looking forward to returning to the USA to see them next year. 🙂

Conclusion

Things may not be perfect, but I feel there are ways to transform “bad” things into good ones. I know my health isn’t excellent at the moment, but these recent problems have shown me that there are ways to make it better. Even small changes are better than doing absolutely nothing. As much as I love KFC, I probably shouldn’t be eating it all the time. I will try to plan things a little better in the future. I will make it a point to enjoy work and take a deep breath when situations overwhelm me.

I think it’s essential to find the good out of every situation. Even with the worst problems, some good can come out of it. Sometimes it just takes a little searching, but it is entirely possible! Never give up hope and realise there is always potential to improve things. If it means visiting your general practitioner or doctor to get some help, then go for it. I have done that and feel there is absolutely no shame in that because, at the end of the day, you have to do what is right for you.

Grammarly tells me that this post sounds sad. I don’t mean for it to sound sad, but more hopeful. There are people around you (including me in that group) who you can talk to and help you get through things, and I am happy to help you think about things more helpfully. All you need to do is to reach out and ask.

I hope everyone is doing well and hope to update this weblog a little more often in the future.

The Podcast Episode That Couldn’t

They’re just not happening, are they?

I had recorded an episode while driving back home the other day, and it sounded like I was recording it 5 rooms away so I have to cancel that one too. One of these days, I’ll get around to publishing new content. I’m time-constrained right now, so it’ll come when it does. Maybe next time I will check to see whether it sounds terrible before I talk to myself for 30 minutes.

See you soon?

I Don’t Know What To Do Anymore

Hello everyone!

Cloudy day on the coast
:)Random photo for no reason. I just think it’s pretty. Breaks up the boring text junk, right? 🙂

I hope all is well over in your neck of the woods!

Lately, I’ve been neglecting a lot of my Internet-based projects because there’s so much going on around me. From working two (sometimes three) jobs, studying, traveling, and all the other things that I do, needless to say, I have gotten really, really busy.

It seems like the prices and costs for everything is going up. This has caused me to have to work more to make ends meet. The rent for my apartment has gone up around $400 a month. The costs of food and utilities are going up. Fuel prices are the highest I’ve ever seen them. I need to work more to cover those costs so that I am not living on Struggle Street like I used to be.

I’ve been trying to simplify my website so I don’t have to update it or maintain it as much but as I work, I ask myself again and again, “What am I doing here?”

That’s usually not a good sign, but it’s something I have run into before except this time, it is more persistent.

Visits and feedback to my podcast, weblog, and website are at an all-time low now. It makes me wonder whether my time, money, and energy could be spent somewhere else.

At the same time, I am making zero effort to connect to other people because I’ve discovered that people online usually irritate me. I don’t want to or care about meeting other people online anymore. I just don’t need that level of socialisation anymore. Sure, there is a time or two where I wish I could message someone, but I don’t. I know plenty of people, but typing anything has become quite energy-consuming. That’s laziness talking!

As I’ve said in the past, I am going to keep this project going for as long as I possibly can but my interest is really waning. I must be getting older and meaner or something. Who the hell knows?

When the Anxiety Takes Over

My anxiousness has crept up on me again and it’s been a bit of a nuisance. For anybody who doesn’t experience ongoing anxiety, consider yourself lucky.

When I explain it to people, I explain it like this: You know that first day worry and anxiousness you have on the first day of working in a new place? That’s what I experience every day that I go to work. I am anxious about many things, more than half will probably not happen. It can get debilitating. It sometimes makes me physically sick. I have missed a lot of work because it’s so easy to work myself up into a frenzy. I love my work 90% of the time. I love what I do, but that fear of not doing a good job lingers.

I have the same feeling sometimes in public. It’s constant worrying. For example, did I shave my head right? Does it have stripes on the back of my head that I missed? Is it red? Is it razor burnt? Everybody sees it and they’re judging me for being sloppy and unkempt. In reality, people don’t scrutinize that much, but my brain doesn’t accept that all the time.

Today I was at the gym and was worried about everybody looking at me. Am I doing things right? Do they notice that I shake a lot? In reality, no one really cares. My brain just didn’t accept that.

It has been really bad in the past without it being controlled. I control it a bit with medication, but I use cognitive behaviour therapy as well to help myself. Lately it’s just been a bit sloppy. I don’t know why and it kind of bothers me a bit.

A lot of what I DON’T do is because this anxiety takes over. I could be so much more productive and happy without it. Some days I don’t let it bother me. It’s just hard to do lately. I don’t release my projects to the public because of it.

My husband is my mental health expert. It’s hard sometimes because he’s able to diffuse some of my negative thinking patterns and make me realise that I am overthinking things. It has been up to me to get by since I moved.

While out today after the first workout I’ve had in a very long time, I thought about my life in general and need to make some changes. I want to unleash my full potential. I’ll get there, but it will take time. But you know something? I think that’s totally acceptable to me.

Tired…

So the podcast episode posting didn’t really happen this month. I don’t even know if the one I recorded in the car will even see the light of day yet. That’s okay. I’ve been pretty slack with updating that or anything here, so hopefully you’ll forgive me.

How are things going for me? Eh, they’ve been kind of crappy. I have had a serious lack of energy lately so I haven’t really done anything outside work and that’s incredibly sad.

Husband’s off in India and I’m kind of sitting around waiting for him to come back already. He just left last weekend and let’s not forget that I am living more or less by myself. I wanted to go to India, but I’ve got too much happening around me at the moment. Too many commitments. That’s not very fun.

I’m going to try to record very soon, remembering that I might be repeating myself a little bit. That’s okay, right?

I’m just perpetually sick and tired and I wish that I could just feel better at some point.

July Brings New Podcast Episodes

UPDATE: Yeah, that didn’t happen. This podcast episode will probably be scrapped. I haven’t had the time and/or energy to edit it and all that. I’m going to try to get one out (re-recorded or not) this month.

I’ve started recording podcast episodes again. Still, I am not committing to a set schedule, but I thought that I would record while I drive from place to place. I feel as if this makes the time pass a little faster and helps me formulate and process the thoughts I have in my head. I recorded in mid-June and thought I would post the whole thing at once, but my recording ended up being over 1.5 hours, so I will slice it into two parts.

For those with an account, you can listen about 3-5 days early. I had planned to upload the first on 1 July, but that will be moved to next week due to some unexpected health issues. They’ll need a bit of editing.

To see general information about these new episodes, go to https://cnoi.se/ or https://www.complicatednoise.com/ and make your way to the podcast section.

I am going to try to post at least a monthly podcast episode. We’ll see.

Heartrated

Hi there. Before I start just let me preface this by saying that I’m posting from my phone which will mean this will be short and sweet. Oh, and there may be terrible grammar in here too.

I’ve been busy. I can’t explain why my work life has exploded. I haven’t even really worked more hours or anything but the work I’m doing is more strenuous. Maybe that’s why I feel so worn out.

I’m also feeling like the anxiety is starting to creep in. There are reasons for that because of the job I work in but it’s at a bad level. Let me show you what it’s been like courtesy of my smart watch.

Let me explain. You can see when I’m at home (probably asleep) vs when I’m at work. A heart rate that is over 100 beats per minute is considered tachycardia. This is at rest. I say that loosely though. I am incredibly anxious at work but a lot of it is physical too. Hours of having a high heart rate from doing something that isn’t strenuous isn’t great.

I’m incredibly out of shape too. Not big or chubby but out of shape. I’m going to try to work on this because my strength is so low lately. My husband has resisted my requests to go back to the gym for a few years because I’m usually happy to pay more for bigger facilities that has a pool. I think I’m going to go back because my lack of strength and energy is scary.

Did I mention that my blood pressure that day was very high too? Scary stuff. This is the kind of stuff that has made a lot of my family member’s lives miserable. I need to break that cycle.

I wish myself luck.

Mr. Empty Moneybags

My hand/wrist/arm is starting to bother me again, but at least I can still type without it hurting too much, so who knows how long this one’s going to be.

Things are getting more expensive. I was given a notice from the real estate agency that my rent is going up almost $400 per month. I just told them a few weeks ago that I was happy to extend my rental lease for another 6 months instead of a year. There is a bit of uncertainty of when (or where) the husband and I are moving in together while our house is being built.

Yesterday, I received a reminder about my car registration that’s due next month. That’s a bit more than $800 a year. Luckily, I can split that up into 2 or 4 payments (possibly three?). When I bought my car, it was paid upfront and it was a little cheaper. Back in Texas, I remember our vehicle registration cost being about $80 per year, of course that was like 15+ years ago.

I’m also studying full-time next semester so I can make an extra $10-20 per hour one of these days. I asked for a decrease of my contracted hours at work for this reason. Now I’m regretting it because I will need these hours.

Money’s tight and I am starting to feel the pressure. I don’t know how people get by, honestly. Luckily, I don’t have any serious financial issues. I don’t have overdue bills and don’t struggle to pay a bulk of my bills (for now). I have plenty of food and I have a nice place that’s walking distance from the beach. That’s why I say that I don’t know how a lot of people afford to live day to day, especially when they rely on a pension to get by. I feel for them.

It’s just really expensive to even exist in Australia right now and the pressure is on for me to cut costs again, so this is what I’ve done:

  • Coffee Subscription: No more coffee capsules delivered to my place (monthly or bimonthly). I’ve saved $25 per month.
  • Elder Scrolls Online: No more ESO subscription. It’s actually good value for the money, but lately I find myself just logging in and then logging out for the daily bonus. I maybe play for about 2 hours once or twice per week. I’ve saved $14 per month there.
  • Unlimited grocery deliveries: This is a convenience thing for me because I hate shopping and my erratic work hours make this difficult. BUT it’s unnecessary. And I’m also tired of ordering something and getting the lactose and gluten free equivalents because someone wasn’t paying attention to what I ordered. Anyway, I’ve saved $15 a month from this.
  • Electronics buying sprees: I’ve cut down on this quite a bit lately because I’ve got plenty of stuff that I don’t use. It’s nice to have and it keeps me from spending money entertaining myself. The savings are limitless!
  • Unnecessary traveling: I still do casual work when I go see my husband but I’ve cut that down too because fuel prices have gotten so bad. I’m going there about once per month now if I have additional work to do. My car is a hybrid, but it still costs me a bit to drive back and forth. It is an 8 hour return drive… I thought about trading my car in for something smaller, but decided against it.

Small changes will add up. I really don’t want to go back to living the way that I used to: miserable and poor. I just wish things were more affordable. My jobs are already stressful and I don’t want to have to work more to make ends meet, but if that’s what I have to do, then that’s what I’m going to do.

I’m also considering going back to the gym because my strength is complete garbage right now. I’m tired of having everybody do my heavy lifting.

That’s all for now. I need to stay awake for a while so that I can sleep during the day. See everybody later!

Almost a Year

This morning I received an email from my real estate company asking whether I would like to renew my lease on my apartment. My initial reaction was “what did I do?!” I quickly realised that it’s almost been a whole year since I moved from the rural town I lived in for almost four years—with my husband.

A year already? Wow. Time sure does fly and it seems to get closer to Mach speed the older I get. My 20s feel like they were 5 years ago. I think about all the things I’ve done and it feels like just yesterday.

In case you’ve missed it, my partner and I have a plot of land and we’ll be building next year. I am guessing early-2023. I’ve got an option to renew my lease for 6 or 12 months so I am hoping that the landlord will accept 6 with an option to extend it if I need to because we all know that things can happen and with all the collapses of home builders in Australia, it would make me feel better.

I’d say the last year has gone pretty okay. If I could stop getting injuries and health problems though, that would be absolutely perfect.

What a [toenail] Ripper…

I’ve been really busy lately with work and decided a couple of days ago that I would temporarily cut my contracted number of hours a little. I still have the freedom to work as much as I want to, but the minimum number of hours I work will fall. This is also temporary too… just so I can get some of my happiness back. I don’t want to overdo it, though I love what I do. And no matter how I ache, I usually like to go because it pays my bills and lifestyle of coffee, KFC, and cheese pizzas.

The other morning, after I finished work, I thought it would be a good idea to run up my stairs with a blanket. Being the clumsy oaf that I am, I fell and somehow tore my toenail halfway off my toe. I’ve been hobbling around. Working has been a little painful, but I still manage.

I don’t want to gross anybody out by including a picture of it, but my toenail has been torn halfway up my toenail. It surprisingly doesn’t hurt as much as I thought that it would. But it also sucks too because I am a very fast walker. It’s slowed me down a bit. I don’t like that.

Otherwise, things are okay. I am just sick of having one injury and before that fully heals, get another one. It bites. I’m good though.

April Showers Brings a New Podcast Episode

I sat down in front of my microphone and recorded a new podcast episode since, you know, I haven’t actually done that since October. I haven’t really been in the greatest physical or mental state for a bit, so I haven’t bothered recording… or posting anything here… or even chatting. I just haven’t been in a mood to do any of these things.

I haven’t been overly sad, depressed, or upset or anything like that. Well, let me take some of that back. In my latest podcast episode, I talk about some health issues that have prevented me from typing or doing anything with my left hand (and sometimes right hand). That, admittedly, was really hard. I had to take about a month of sick leave from work and a lot of my annual leave was used up. I had no choice but to go back to work, but at that time, things were about 80% better. I still struggle sometimes, but for the most part, it’s business as usual with an application of some topical medication, wrist braces, and ibuprofen.

This is probably something that I didn’t say in the podcast, but I got really down after a while because I thought that the use of my hands was gone for good. How would I work? How would I cook? How would I drive? Why didn’t the medications work? What was wrong with me??? For the first time in a long time, I was depressed. My partner isn’t here to help me and I have bills to pay. I stayed in bed hoping that resting my limbs would be the magic cure.

Luckily, things are better now. I am almost at full capacity again. I took some supplements and things started feeling better.

What it made me realise is how it may feel for someone who loses function in a body part at some point in their life and then it’s permanent. I really respect people who have suffered some sort of disability and they have to find new ways to do things they used to do. It takes so much hard work and perseverance, not to mention strength.

I’m lucky that my arms, wrists, and hands function again. Sure, it’s not perfect, but who’s to say it will stay that way? It’s a scary thought, but as scary and frustrating as it is, adapting to a new life is necessary.

If you want to listen to the new podcast episode, you can subscribe to Apple Podcasts, Google Podcasts, or listen below.

Also, did you know that I am on Mastodon instead of Twitter? Try it out!

Also, I am not promising any additional publicly available podcasts at this time. Let’s not set our expectations, eh?

March Update

Hi everyone! It’s been a while since I’ve written anything here and I thought I’d throw an update your way. Right now, I am having to take some time off from work due to an injury. I can’t really tell you how I did it, but my arm, wrist, and hand is screwed up. Doing anything with my hand is a bit irritating. No amount of pain relief is helping but the pain isn’t constant so that’s a plus, right? The palm of my hand constantly hurts though. That sucks.

Otherwise, I am okay. I get a bit bummed out lately since I can’t do much of anything fun. Everything seems to take me a lot longer to get done and that makes me quite sad. It does, however, make me have more sympathy for people who have permanently lost all their function in their limbs. I am having to learn new ways to do things. Even typing this is uncomfortable.

That’s why this won’t be too long.

I am also thinking of adding a new podcast episode soon, but we’ll see how that goes. Downtime does this to you.

Music work has been paused too.

I hope everybody out there is doing well and taking care of yourselves. Hopefully we’ll see you around. 🙂

Trimming Things Down

Hello, all.

A few changes are coming. And I am under a huge amount of stress. And I might be a little crazy. (But that’s okay… and expected.)

Removing Twitter Integration

Celebrate, for this is the last Twitter notification for a new post at my weblog! I don’t read my Twitter feed anymore. I don’t even post anything anymore except the odd complaint about how tired and exhausted I am. You’re saved.

Having said that though, it would be responsible of me to let you know that you can follow my boring antics at Mastodon. At least I know Mastodon doesn’t make it their business model to follow me around on the Internet.

Removing Telegram Integration Too

Does anybody even realise that this is a thing? No? Okay, then.

Also, this will be the last notification at Telegram because blog posts are becoming so rare–what’s the point?

There will be no more updates being sent to the chatroom and I am thinking that chatroom probably won’t be around very long either…

New Podcast Episodes? No Thanks.

I have no plans right now to record. I’m just not interested right now. Now, if something changes somehow by a miracle, I might start again. I guess this isn’t the end of it, but damn it, it’s close.

Website Redesign… Slowly

Most of my website revolves around regularly updating my podcast which hasn’t happened since October 2021. I will do a bit of work here and there to defocus the podcast component.

As I’ve mentioned in passing, I don’t know whether I will continue all of this next year.

Why Is This F***ing Happening

The past several months have been brutal at times. My calendar of events has turned into a mess of “go to work, go home, travel for 4 hours, go to work at another job, stay with my partner, travel 4 hours, and go home” then rinse and repeat. It’s exhausting and I’m struggling to cope at times. If I can stop stressing over stuff that doesn’t matter (like podcasting), I will have some time to sit back and unwind.

It’s so hard to relax and I don’t think that this post really reflects my feelings. I am back to being on edge again. That’s not a good thing. At the end of the day, my mental health is most important. I am not sorry. I am tired of being afraid to say “no”. I’m just over it.

If you do want to stay in touch, you can message me via Telegram, message me through my site or follow me with Mastodon. I am not disappearing because I am “too busy”. I’m just removing a lot of the BS in my life right now. Podcasting and talking about my problems with myself or others no longer has a therapeutic effect for me. I am tackling it on my own with a better mindset and it’s been the only thing that hasn’t pulled me down a hole of self-loathing and sadness. I am okay. I just need to chill the fuck out a bit.

See you around? I hope so!