#65: Coasting Through

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Podcasting is getting more and more “difficult” for me. This is your warning.

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Slacking

My post-move podcast episode is on the backburner right now. I just don’t have the time and energy to record anything. Moving away is stressful and separating from the partner isn’t easy either. (We are still a couple, but I took a job somewhere else. I still can’t remove that feeling of feeling that this has been a really selfish move.

As you can see, I am having a hard time processing things, but also, my lovely partner has been so supportive in all this. He’s a gem. I still feel like what I did was selfish.

Anyway, I am just letting everybody know what’s happening with me, and as I said, I will try my hardest to record something… I might just bring along my phone and record with it.

I’ll see you all later. I am all good.

Creative Project Update: Visible Form

Almost one year ago, I said that I was working on some music projects. One of those was called “Visible Form”. Did you know that I am still working on it?

Visible Form

I have a bit of a problem: I am too much of a perfectionist and I refuse to share anything with the public if I feel like it’s not good enough. I also understand that no one is perfect too. I’ve made a few things for this collection of computer-generated static and sound. I actually like what I’ve created… mostly. I want to add to it. That’s what I’ll be doing with my free time in the next year.

If you’ve listened to my podcasts lately, some of it I’ve used early versions in my introductions.

I guess what I am saying is that I am still at work on it. A few little things have prevented me from creating faster over the year, mostly not being able to get in that mental space I need to be in. Since I am moving into my own place, I am going to be able to do this a little quicker.

Time frame? Who the hell knows? I don’t even know yet.

Track listing? “Visible Form”, “Ruby Rise”, “Away Scene”, “Conjoin”, “Mercurial” and possibly another one or two. “Away Scene” is probably my most favourite right now. I’ve also created something called “am” which may inspire me to make more time-inspired music. We’ll see how it goes. I don’t want this first thing (in a long time) to take longer than it has to.

With all these big changes in my life, I am having some pretty big shifts in my mood and feelings, so let’s put that to a good use, eh? Hopefully you’ll hear more soon.

The Cat’s Out of the Bagel

I’ve been delaying my new podcast episode because things are a little crazy right now.

Meow

Long story short: I’ve got a new job and I’m moving more than 4 hours away from here. I’ve been busy trying to find a place and it hasn’t been easy. If you have a hard time with rejection and you’d like some practice, apply for rental houses. You’ll get used to it after a while. It still feels bad, but I have to say that the ones they’ve rejected need tenants right away. I started applying for places that need tenants after I leave my job here. Right now, there’s like a 2-5 day gap from me leaving my current role and going to my new one. So my schedule is pretty tight.

I’m still looking for a house but with no notice, I can’t find a place and move into it. Plus, I want to save a bit more.

I have a lot of feelings with this move and I don’t feel like I’ve processed them yet, so my next podcast episode will be full of processing. It’s not a simple move, unfortunately. No breakups or separations are involved, by the way. 😉

Everybody take care of yourselves. Excuse the grammatical issues you may run into. See you later!

Things Are Happening

Sorry for missing my podcast episode date. There are a lot of changes happening in my life that I’ll talk about in it. It’s kept me from being online very much.

I know this is short, but at least it’s something, right? 🙂

I hope everybody is doing well. 🙂

My Struggles with Anxiety, Part 138,392,873

I feel like a majority of my Tweets and Toots (on Mastodon) is about my sleep quality. Okay, let me narrow that down to horrible sleep quality. I am telling you people, my sleep has been horrendous since I applied for the job I applied for.

I haven’t heard anything. I’ve poked and prodded. Still, I’ve heard nothing.

But this is the thing: I don’t need that job. I am pretty content at the place I am at now, but I crave a change, but at the same time, I am happy if that change doesn’t happen.

What’s driving me crazy though is knowing whether I got the job or not. Sure, it’ll give me something else to think about because it will no doubt uproot my personal life and cause a few issues with my husband’s job and visa. So, I said I would cross that bridge when I got it. The new place is honestly a place where I would LOVE to work at in a city that I would love to live in again.

I don’t know. I want to get back to the life I had when I first moved to Australia. I miss the city. At a time when people want to move away, I want to move closer to (or better yet, in) a big city.

Having said this and the state of my mental health, I don’t think that the next podcast episode will arrive in the time frame I planned. No big deal because we have to look out after ourselves first, right?

I just really wish that I had a normal functioning mind where the what-ifs don’t control me. I wish I didn’t constantly question myself and my decisions. I wish that the decisions that don’t make a difference in my life, um… don’t bother me as much. This is my struggle with anxiety right now.

Things Are A Little Confusing Right Now But I Will Be Okay, I’m Sure

Title says it all. Things are a little crazy at the moment.

I recently applied for a new job that is across the state which presents many issues between my personal and professional lives. I am so stressed about making the right decision, but then again, I haven’t really gotten the new job yet.

I applied for a job and was contacted for an interview in 3 days. I wasn’t expecting a result that fast, but my partner was very unhappy that I applied for work that is about four hours away from here. I got to carry a certain amount of guilt with me to the place, through the interview, and back again. I am waiting on their decision. Since my interview, I’ve been very sick. My jaw hurts. I’ve been getting headaches. It’s no fun at all. It’s at a place where I’ve wanted to work permanently for a long time.

I still don’t know what to do, but at some point I’ll have to decide.

That’s what’s stressing me at the moment. I hope that I have good news later–but will that “good” news be good? It remains to be seen. I just need to learn my fate from this company.

See you around. 🙂

Building Up a Community

Once upon a time, when the internet was new and shiny for regular people, I started unknowingly building a community of friends and followers. It was a simple website where I posted my thoughts and feelings of what it was like to be in a long-term relationship. I think people had a front seat into my relationship–the good, the bad, and the annoyingly frustrating. For some reason, people liked my style of being brutally honest and upfront with the way that I felt. As time passed, and after people recognising me in public, I stepped back and started censoring a lot of stuff. I think the way I explained things back then would be a privacy advocate’s worst nightmare. As time passed, I have learned what a horribly scary place the internet can be. I guess more than 20 years can do that to you, right?

multicolored wallpaper
Photo by Sharon McCutcheon on Pexels.com

Sometimes I think about how I miss that little community. People would find me and talk to me for friendship. I was able to meet so many people around the world this way. I was able to expand my view of the world and become curious of what other parts of the world had to offer. This community of people that I built from scratch was paramount for my exploration. I am so thankful for that.

A few times after this, I’ve attempted to rebuild a community of like-minded people through podcasting and for a while, I would say that was successful. Then I’d quit. Then I’d go back to it. Then I’d quit. The cycle never ends.

I want to try to reconnect with strangers in a nice way–to bring people together. I’ve been trying, but I’ve also been failing at that spectacularly. I know that I have and I haven’t really done anything to improve that. I’d like to though, but my progress has been slow.

Maybe one day I can rebuild that community through being myself. I will see how that goes. 🙂

(And geez, I was looking for screen shots of my old sites and trust me, you don’t want to see them. Lots of ugliness and missing images. That’s no fun! I’ve been at this since 1998, by the way… I’m old!)

Voice Gone

I’m pretty sick right now, and I think I’ve promised one of my not-so-regular podcast episodes today. My voice is absolute garbage at the moment, and I am coughing a lot. I don’t think this is going to happen today. I’m 100% sure of it.

I mentioned that I am not recording podcast episodes as often, and I guess this is proof. I’m not doing much of anything lately, am I? Not really. I did get the new car that I ordered a few months ago though, so I guess you’ll hear all about it at some point.

Maybe we will do that next Friday. Does that sound good to you?

Nevermind?

clear light bulb placed on chalkboard
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Don’t you love when I say that I am quitting something only to say “nevermind” later? It’s happened again. (If you’re curious about what I’m talking about, see this blog post.)

I am not officially ending my personal podcast but I am going to take a break from it while I do a few things. I need to focus on my professional life and personal relationships. Podcasting doesn’t take much time away from these things, but it feels so much better when I am not obligated to continue. Keep in mind that I am a planner. I operate better when I plan, so you’ll see posts and upcoming episodes. Right this second, I am planning to take a bit of a break until the start of 2022.

I would die without a creative outlet of some sort. So for me to say I am completely stopping something is not easy. For me to fight the urge is even harder. I know I’m not great at it, but it still feels great to talk about things. It helps me mentally process things. Listeners or not, it’s worth the free therapy!

I will be around and I AM well.

If you have an account here, you may find little updates here and there in audio form. Of course, when I am back, I will recap everything.

Much love, people. I hope your Pride Month has been fun and exciting!

An End

Hello everyone! It has finally happened. I am bored with podcasting to an invisible audience. Well, no, I am just exhausted with caring about it, so my next one is going to be my last… for now.

In my last few episodes, I discussed about my frustrations of living such a calm, and boring life, so why say the same thing over and over again?

If you’ve been listening, I didn’t mean to call you invisible. I know you’re there. I appreciate you listening for as long as you have, even if your first episode you listened to was this morning. I appreciate you listening, even if you have listened to 30 seconds of me once by accident.

I’m not saying I don’t need the therapy because I do, but general life is getting in the way. I’ll manage because I’ll keep creating because it’s what I do. Whether anybody will see any of it, who knows? I’ll be around… somewhere, somehow because I do need this creative outlet.

So I said what I needed to, and I really wish you well. I hope you take super good care of yourself. Promise me you’ll do that, okay?

This blog may or may not live on. There’s an incredible need right now to be productive. We will see how that plays out! See you all later, and thank you again!

And yes, I said “for now” because I might do another one, just not a personal podcast. I am 100% done with that. 🙂

Ben

Bronzed Silence

Hi. Welcome to the weekend.

A couple of days ago I posted a little message on Twitter that wasn’t very encouraging and just wanted to say that I am doing fine. I was doing well then, and I am doing okay now. Things just got busy and I wanted to have some time to myself. I am just tired, I guess. Everybody’s entitled to that, right? Right.

I have also been sifting through some business stuff which has caused me a little stress–nothing overly concerning. I’ve been considering shutting up shop with my independent IT consulting stuff and I have been presented with an opportunity to end it gracefully, however I am not sure whether I will want to do it or not. I’m giving myself a few days to think about it. (My IT stuff is my side job.)

I’ve moved around my podcast episodes because I haven’t been in the mood. Though there have been a lot of good things happening, I am just not in the mood to chat about it. I’m not sure why.

Car is being delivered sooner than expected. Mid-July. I’m going to pick it up in a few weeks.

I also got my second (and last) COVID vaccination yesterday. That might be why I’m so cranky today. I am achy and having to take pain relievers since everything is sore and I am running a bit of a fever though I am freezing.

These are the things I was going to talk about, so hope that this suffices. I’ll be back later and hopefully in a better mood. Catch you later!