I’ve been really busy lately with work and decided a couple of days ago that I would temporarily cut my contracted number of hours a little. I still have the freedom to work as much as I want to, but the minimum number of hours I work will fall. This is also temporary too… just so I can get some of my happiness back. I don’t want to overdo it, though I love what I do. And no matter how I ache, I usually like to go because it pays my bills and lifestyle of coffee, KFC, and cheese pizzas.
The other morning, after I finished work, I thought it would be a good idea to run up my stairs with a blanket. Being the clumsy oaf that I am, I fell and somehow tore my toenail halfway off my toe. I’ve been hobbling around. Working has been a little painful, but I still manage.
I don’t want to gross anybody out by including a picture of it, but my toenail has been torn halfway up my toenail. It surprisingly doesn’t hurt as much as I thought that it would. But it also sucks too because I am a very fast walker. It’s slowed me down a bit. I don’t like that.
Otherwise, things are okay. I am just sick of having one injury and before that fully heals, get another one. It bites. I’m good though.
I sat down in front of my microphone and recorded a new podcast episode since, you know, I haven’t actually done that since October. I haven’t really been in the greatest physical or mental state for a bit, so I haven’t bothered recording… or posting anything here… or even chatting. I just haven’t been in a mood to do any of these things.
I haven’t been overly sad, depressed, or upset or anything like that. Well, let me take some of that back. In my latest podcast episode, I talk about some health issues that have prevented me from typing or doing anything with my left hand (and sometimes right hand). That, admittedly, was really hard. I had to take about a month of sick leave from work and a lot of my annual leave was used up. I had no choice but to go back to work, but at that time, things were about 80% better. I still struggle sometimes, but for the most part, it’s business as usual with an application of some topical medication, wrist braces, and ibuprofen.
This is probably something that I didn’t say in the podcast, but I got really down after a while because I thought that the use of my hands was gone for good. How would I work? How would I cook? How would I drive? Why didn’t the medications work? What was wrong with me??? For the first time in a long time, I was depressed. My partner isn’t here to help me and I have bills to pay. I stayed in bed hoping that resting my limbs would be the magic cure.
Luckily, things are better now. I am almost at full capacity again. I took some supplements and things started feeling better.
What it made me realise is how it may feel for someone who loses function in a body part at some point in their life and then it’s permanent. I really respect people who have suffered some sort of disability and they have to find new ways to do things they used to do. It takes so much hard work and perseverance, not to mention strength.
I’m lucky that my arms, wrists, and hands function again. Sure, it’s not perfect, but who’s to say it will stay that way? It’s a scary thought, but as scary and frustrating as it is, adapting to a new life is necessary.
Hi everyone! It’s been a while since I’ve written anything here and I thought I’d throw an update your way. Right now, I am having to take some time off from work due to an injury. I can’t really tell you how I did it, but my arm, wrist, and hand is screwed up. Doing anything with my hand is a bit irritating. No amount of pain relief is helping but the pain isn’t constant so that’s a plus, right? The palm of my hand constantly hurts though. That sucks.
Otherwise, I am okay. I get a bit bummed out lately since I can’t do much of anything fun. Everything seems to take me a lot longer to get done and that makes me quite sad. It does, however, make me have more sympathy for people who have permanently lost all their function in their limbs. I am having to learn new ways to do things. Even typing this is uncomfortable.
That’s why this won’t be too long.
I am also thinking of adding a new podcast episode soon, but we’ll see how that goes. Downtime does this to you.
Music work has been paused too.
I hope everybody out there is doing well and taking care of yourselves. Hopefully we’ll see you around. 🙂
A few changes are coming. And I am under a huge amount of stress. And I might be a little crazy. (But that’s okay… and expected.)
Removing Twitter Integration
Celebrate, for this is the last Twitter notification for a new post at my weblog! I don’t read my Twitter feed anymore. I don’t even post anything anymore except the odd complaint about how tired and exhausted I am. You’re saved.
Having said that though, it would be responsible of me to let you know that you can follow my boring antics at Mastodon. At least I know Mastodon doesn’t make it their business model to follow me around on the Internet.
Removing Telegram Integration Too
Does anybody even realise that this is a thing? No? Okay, then.
Also, this will be the last notification at Telegram because blog posts are becoming so rare–what’s the point?
There will be no more updates being sent to the chatroom and I am thinking that chatroom probably won’t be around very long either…
New Podcast Episodes? No Thanks.
I have no plans right now to record. I’m just not interested right now. Now, if something changes somehow by a miracle, I might start again. I guess this isn’t the end of it, but damn it, it’s close.
Website Redesign… Slowly
Most of my website revolves around regularly updating my podcast which hasn’t happened since October 2021. I will do a bit of work here and there to defocus the podcast component.
As I’ve mentioned in passing, I don’t know whether I will continue all of this next year.
Why Is This F***ing Happening
The past several months have been brutal at times. My calendar of events has turned into a mess of “go to work, go home, travel for 4 hours, go to work at another job, stay with my partner, travel 4 hours, and go home” then rinse and repeat. It’s exhausting and I’m struggling to cope at times. If I can stop stressing over stuff that doesn’t matter (like podcasting), I will have some time to sit back and unwind.
It’s so hard to relax and I don’t think that this post really reflects my feelings. I am back to being on edge again. That’s not a good thing. At the end of the day, my mental health is most important. I am not sorry. I am tired of being afraid to say “no”. I’m just over it.
If you do want to stay in touch, you can message me via Telegram, message me through my site or follow me with Mastodon. I am not disappearing because I am “too busy”. I’m just removing a lot of the BS in my life right now. Podcasting and talking about my problems with myself or others no longer has a therapeutic effect for me. I am tackling it on my own with a better mindset and it’s been the only thing that hasn’t pulled me down a hole of self-loathing and sadness. I am okay. I just need to chill the fuck out a bit.
Hi folks! I know that my posts here and new podcast episodes have begun to get more and more irregular for the past year and if you actually read this and somehow look forward to new content, I apologise. It has been a very brutal couple of years.
First, I’d like to say thank you for reading. I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t believe I had some kind of audience. I know that audience has shrunk over the past few years and I accept that.
I am becoming more and more reluctant to discuss my private life and inner thoughts because I realise so much can be regurgitated and thrown in my face later. What goes up on the internet can possibly stick around forever. I’ve found the amount of oversharing I’ve done over the past 20+ years is alarming and well, I am growing very tired of it. My personal website is suffering and I’ve thought about just quitting quite a few times. Every time I try to, I come back because I like being creative. I see web design sometimes as an artistic craft. I like digital art.
What I am trying to say is that it is very possible that this will be my final year with a personal website. I might try to keep it around for my more creative projects if I can get to the point where I want to SHARE that with people. Who knows. As I’ve said before, every time I try to stop, I end up coming back. Do I fight the urge or do I let things go?
The podcast is suffering as well. I know I’ve had 3 or 4 restarts of it because my interest comes and goes. I tried to motivate myself by making a posting schedule as a guideline. Obviously, that hasn’t worked because the last one I recorded was back in October. The next one has been moved about 6 or 7 times now. That’s not good. Again, it’s about not sharing so much. I’m happy to keep it around, but if I do continue it, I want it to be a little showcase of the stuff I make.
I’m going to see how the year goes. I am still developing my website, but I am removing things going forward.
As always, I hope this finds you well. I hope everything is going well for you. I will be around in one form or another, but I am guessing you’re going to have to make some effort to find me.
Do I have the holiday blues? Not really. One of the things I’ve learned to accept is that I only want to do Christmas when it’s cold. There aren’t any decorations in my house. There aren’t any reminders that Christmas is only 5 days away.
Things are a little harder these days and I seem to want to be alone more. The only person I really want to see or interact with is my partner because he helps me put my thoughts into perspective. He does a really good job with that. He’s well-equipped for that academically and professionally. When I am feeling low, he’s my go-to person. At the same time, I don’t want to burden him with my issues, because I know my poor guy lives in a stressful world of his own. One of the hardest things for me to accept is that there are people who are happy to listen to my issues and problems.
I’ve just been down lately but as weird as it sounds, I am not feeling depressed. I am just down because my money isn’t lasting as long as it used to. Since I’ve moved, I’ve been struggling a bit more, but at the same time, I am not suffering. I’d like to save more though. The fact that I’m not able to save more is really bothering me because I am going to be paying a mortgage soon. I feel like I just finished paying my overdue debts from when I moved here permanently. (I made quite a few bad decisions–like not paying my bills.)
My primary job is really stressful and I try to limit going overboard with it so I can stay sane. I just need to work more and that in turn is adding to my stress. I’m also separated from my partner as well. I do get pretty excited when I get to see him. I get to see him on Wednesday afternoon, but who’s counting down? I absolutely love this guy and I’d love to share more of our lives together, but well, yeah, I know we have to keep things a bit under wraps publicly.
It could be worse, maybe?
So yeah, I am working nights mostly. I sleep during the day and I am awake at night. I woke up at 11 pm, got up and played ARK and here I am now at 5 am. Things are quiet when I have nights off. I kind of like it sometimes, but it’s so weird because I don’t answer messages and calls because I feel like I’m sleeping all the time. It’s why I haven’t been able to do much with my websites lately.
So, yeah, it’s just a temporary down. I find the good things in every crappy situation and it helps. It lasts for a day or two, and then I am fine. It doesn’t last weeks like it used to. I just wish things were a bit more manageable and wish that my partner was a bit closer. I also realise that people are doing it worse than I am right now. I am very grateful I have a job and a place I like (though all the damned moths are driving me insane).
I shall be back with a podcast episode soon, I hope. I have picked up a few more work days so don’t expect anything long and magical. That’s all from me. Thanks for listening.
I didn’t know where I should post this, so I am posting it here. Podcasting hasn’t really been a priority for me lately, so I have cancelled my next planned podcast episode. That means that will try really hard to care enough to do another one before the end of the year. We will see whether that happens or not.
Moving to my own space that I don’t depend on my partner to share costs makes money a bit tight, so I’ve had to work a bit more. Working more makes me more tired and of course that makes me care a lot less. My hosting costs have gone up around 33% as well, so believe me, I have thought about abandoning everything. I decided against it because this is my therapy. Believe me, right now I need this more than I have needed it in years.
In the upcoming year, I want to focus less on podcasting and more on my other projects. I’ve also made the decision to wind down my IT consulting. I have this problem of wanting to do too many things at the same time, so I am stepping back in hopes that it will improve my mental health. It’s having a bit of a rough run right now, and instead of letting things get bad, I thought maybe I should try to enjoy living a bit more. It’s hard to do when you’re spending most of your time at work. Of course, if you love what you do, that’s good, right?
I like what I do. I don’t always love it, but I am happy with what I’m doing now. I’ve had a week off and heading back tomorrow.
Didn’t I just say that I needed to work more? Yes. I am working all my required hours in one clump, and then “relaxing” later. I am not broke. I am not having money problems, but my partner regularly informs me that we’re building a house next year and gets angry every time I think about doing anything for myself.
So this is a little bit of what I would have put in a podcast episode. Some people don’t like to read. I don’t blame you. And right now, I’m sick of hearing about peoples’ problems.
I’m gonna go for now. I am also rewriting the code to my website. It looks similar, but quite a lot is being removed… mostly code is being removed that isn’t optimised or is not being used. Whatever makes it function better. New media player. New feedback options. That kind of thing.
Wow! The new year is just around the corner and what a socially isolated year it has been. I can probably count the number of times I posted here on my fingers and toes. I guess that’s what happens when you can’t go anywhere and do anything.
So what’s happening for the rest of the year for me?
Two more episodes are coming (as far as I’ve planned). Both are kind of those “obligatory” episodes–the giving thanks and Christmas-time/end-of-year one. I’m just going to explain what my blessings have been over the year and what is coming in the year ahead (if everything goes nicely).
I am really struggling to justify why I even have a personal website and have told people that this upcoming year is probably the last year. I say that a lot, but it rarely happens. So… who knows what’s going to happen. I am working on stuff though, mostly the link router code, podcast guide code, and media player. I’m actually currently working on all three in my spare time.
I don’t have much due to my new job and travelling, sadly. So progress is a bit slow.
Lemonade in the Machine
I spilled lemonade (the equivalent of Sprite or 7-up) in my keyboard. Boo.
Watching the Case for Luxuries
I want to update my Apple Watch from the series 4 to the latest. Because I keep getting sick and have a very small amount of sick hours, I can’t get that right now. It’s a luxury that I can do without. It’s the first time in a while that my finances are very tight. I am okay, but if you think you don’t have money, you will spend less, right?
Accounting and Coffee
I don’t know if you knew, but if you have an account at my website, you can access not-so-public stuff like podcast episodes that aren’t on the feed and some of my music. If you support me with 3 coffees, I’ll give you access to that for about a year. Just tell me through the contact form after you sign up for an account, and I’ll credit you.
I will warn you that not a lot is available at the moment, but there is some new content. Right now, anybody with an account can access the hidden stuff so you don’t have to give me coffee if you don’t want to. I do like coffee though! 😉
There’s not much more to say except that I am not posting much on Twitter or this blog lately. I use Mastodon instead. Follow me if you want to.
It’s that time of the year: my hosting account needs a sacrifice of money to continue. Fun fact though: I have paid next year’s hosting about 6 months ago. I’ve had a personal website since 1998 and I have been oversharing what happens in my life since then.
I have been documenting some aspects of my life for a really long time. In hindsight, I have made a ton of mistakes and probably have ruined any chance I have running for any political office due to my sometimes not-so-popular opinions.
The Internet has allowed me to open up about things and get things off my chance over the years which is a good thing. There were times when I thought I was alone only to find that I wasn’t. Sometimes I think the connection with like-minded individuals probably saved my life. I’m so thankful for that.
Until I discovered this big online world, I was shy and well, I didn’t have many friends. Of course, a lot of that was due to my upbringing. I like my quiet life mostly. I don’t think I would really enjoy getting attention. I don’t know how I would handle that, but I have to say that I can see how celebrities go off the deep end at times.
Lately, and especially since I moved away from my partner, I have felt like I want some attention. I need some form of social interaction but living in a “new” place makes it a bit hard. Sure, I’ve got extended family there, but I don’t feel like I can rush there every time I get sad, lonely, and unhappy.
As I write this, I am in my “old” place with my husband and I am pretty happy. I miss the guy a lot even if he irritates me sometimes. It will be hard to return home when I have to go in a few days.
I will be fine. I chose this lonely sort of life but at the same time, I know that I have the support of strangers which, in a way, makes me feel better.
Rambling completed. It’s nice to have you here, even if you just read. 🙂
My post-move podcast episode is on the backburner right now. I just don’t have the time and energy to record anything. Moving away is stressful and separating from the partner isn’t easy either. (We are still a couple, but I took a job somewhere else. I still can’t remove that feeling of feeling that this has been a really selfish move.
As you can see, I am having a hard time processing things, but also, my lovely partner has been so supportive in all this. He’s a gem. I still feel like what I did was selfish.
Anyway, I am just letting everybody know what’s happening with me, and as I said, I will try my hardest to record something… I might just bring along my phone and record with it.
I have a bit of a problem: I am too much of a perfectionist and I refuse to share anything with the public if I feel like it’s not good enough. I also understand that no one is perfect too. I’ve made a few things for this collection of computer-generated static and sound. I actually like what I’ve created… mostly. I want to add to it. That’s what I’ll be doing with my free time in the next year.
If you’ve listened to my podcasts lately, some of it I’ve used early versions in my introductions.
I guess what I am saying is that I am still at work on it. A few little things have prevented me from creating faster over the year, mostly not being able to get in that mental space I need to be in. Since I am moving into my own place, I am going to be able to do this a little quicker.
Time frame? Who the hell knows? I don’t even know yet.
Track listing? “Visible Form”, “Ruby Rise”, “Away Scene”, “Conjoin”, “Mercurial” and possibly another one or two. “Away Scene” is probably my most favourite right now. I’ve also created something called “am” which may inspire me to make more time-inspired music. We’ll see how it goes. I don’t want this first thing (in a long time) to take longer than it has to.
With all these big changes in my life, I am having some pretty big shifts in my mood and feelings, so let’s put that to a good use, eh? Hopefully you’ll hear more soon.