anxiety

The Case for Apple’s Magic Mouse

| Ben

We’ve all heard the criticisms of Apple’s Magic Mouse which has no left or right click buttons and you have to charge it by plugging it in on the bottom. Those are some pretty big engineering flaws. They come in the box with the iMac, so I have one that I still use with my old Intel iMac.

A lot of people complain about the mouse that’s a standard inclusion with the iMac and I was one of them. I didn’t like that it was too flat and that I had to wait to use my computer while I charged it but now I have changed my mind.

Why? Why do I like it now?

I suffer from essential tremor which is a neurological condition that comes with involuntary shaking. It usually affects the hands and arms, but can also affect other body parts like the head. It also can affect a person’s voice. It can significantly impact daily activities like writing, eating, and using tools. It can also causes emotional impacts like embarrassment and anxiety. It has gotten to the point so that I now have to take beta-blockers to help control it.

I cannot tell you how many times I have double- or triple-typed keys while typing this. I used to write code and I am surprised that I haven’t worn out the delete key yet. I also tend to type the letters f or j for no reason. It’s embarrassing when I’m at work and people see me getting frustrated while typing.

What I have a huge problem is using a mouse. I end up clicking things 2-5 times in a row which means things get selected that I didn’t want selected, windows get maximised when I don’t want them to be, and I drag and drop stuff on the screen all the time. I’ve tried different mice to be able to find one that is a bit tougher and it won’t pick up every single click of the mouse. I haven’t had much luck with it until I realised that the Magic Mouse I swapped was the best option.

Sure, it’s not my favourite mouse, but I have found that it really helps with accidental clicking of stuff. My extra clicking is very light but sensitive mice kind of register them as clicks. The Apple Magic Mouse doesn’t do that and I’ve gone back to using that instead. I miss the extra buttons, but I’m also relieved that I’m not clicking on everything accidentally.

Essential tremors are embarrassing for me. They disrupt a lot of aspects of my life and over the years, it’s gotten worse. I seriously get sad and depressed over it. But, this badly designed mouse has helped me get at least some control over my computer use. Now, if I can find a keyboard that would work for me, that would be fantastic.

(Disclaimer: The links to the mouse are Amazon affiliate links so if you buy it through Amazon, I get a commission for it. Having said that, this is a product that helps me from personal experience and I thought I’d share it with you.)

When the Anxiety Takes Over

| Ben

My anxiousness has crept up on me again and it’s been a bit of a nuisance. For anybody who doesn’t experience ongoing anxiety, consider yourself lucky.

When I explain it to people, I explain it like this: You know that first day worry and anxiousness you have on the first day of working in a new place? That’s what I experience every day that I go to work. I am anxious about many things, more than half will probably not happen. It can get debilitating. It sometimes makes me physically sick. I have missed a lot of work because it’s so easy to work myself up into a frenzy. I love my work 90% of the time. I love what I do, but that fear of not doing a good job lingers.

I have the same feeling sometimes in public. It’s constant worrying. For example, did I shave my head right? Does it have stripes on the back of my head that I missed? Is it red? Is it razor burnt? Everybody sees it and they’re judging me for being sloppy and unkempt. In reality, people don’t scrutinize that much, but my brain doesn’t accept that all the time.

Today I was at the gym and was worried about everybody looking at me. Am I doing things right? Do they notice that I shake a lot? In reality, no one really cares. My brain just didn’t accept that.

It has been really bad in the past without it being controlled. I control it a bit with medication, but I use cognitive behaviour therapy as well to help myself. Lately it’s just been a bit sloppy. I don’t know why and it kind of bothers me a bit.

A lot of what I DON’T do is because this anxiety takes over. I could be so much more productive and happy without it. Some days I don’t let it bother me. It’s just hard to do lately. I don’t release my projects to the public because of it.

My husband is my mental health expert. It’s hard sometimes because he’s able to diffuse some of my negative thinking patterns and make me realise that I am overthinking things. It has been up to me to get by since I moved.

While out today after the first workout I’ve had in a very long time, I thought about my life in general and need to make some changes. I want to unleash my full potential. I’ll get there, but it will take time. But you know something? I think that’s totally acceptable to me.