I don’t really say much here anymore. You can catch my random ramblings on Mastodon though.

I’ve learned that by dropping my regular blog postings and the discontinuation of my podcast that I really like this… solitude. Something about the lock-downs and isolation really helped carve that into a mainstay in my life. When I’m not working, I just want to be left to my own devices (literally).

Sometimes, I do miss the online communities I was a part of though. Sometimes, I just want to sit and chat with people about random things, but after five minutes of that, I realise that it probably wasn’t a great idea. That’s just me though.

My husband and I are still living apart, but that is going to change in 2024. The construction of our house started in October and it’s progressing very quickly. We’ve got a roof, some bricked walls, and a big wooden frame up at the moment. It’s looking pretty good.

I don’t want to type too much here so I won’t. I feel like there’s so much I’ve said on Mastodon. However, I’m happy to give you bullet points of my highs and lows of this year:

• I’m starting to feel like an old gay man. Gray hair is sprouting up everywhere and no one knows I exist. Is that such a bad thing though?
• My apartment was broken into while I was home but miraculously, nothing was stolen. The thief got away with my wallet, but later in the day, I got it back with nothing missing.
• I’m getting a lot more experience in different areas of my work which is nice.
• Red, the dachshund, was added to my family. I never knew a dog could love fruit and vegetables so much. He was a hero when my apartment got broken into.
• I’m steadily gaining more weight. I should really fix that, shouldn’t I?
• I think I’ve been with my current partner for about 10 years now.
• He’s an Australian citizen now.
• I miss having him take care of me.

I think that’s about it. I can’t make promises about 2024. I’m afraid to, really. There are quite a few nice things happening though. I guess all I can do is to do my best, right?

It’s like 1:35 am almost. I should get to bed. I already don’t get enough sleep. Good night folks, and hope your 2024 is pretty fucking awesome.

Hello! I hope everybody out there is doing well and in good health.

It’s been a while since I’ve posted here because most of the stuff I’m thinking about is being posted on Mastodon and Firefish. (If you have no idea what this is, just head to my website at cnoi.se to see all my fantastically fabulous posts whining about everything.)

Money and survival is what’s in my head right now. Sadly, I had planned for my partner to be here so I can finish a course of study. I thought that I would be able to work a little less while we lived together here but as we know, that’s no happening. It’s affected that and my ability to return back home at the end of the year. I’m really sad that I can’t go back home for Christmas. Everything I make almost goes to bills. It seems like by the next time I get paid, I have a few hundred left over which somehow gets used my next pay cheque comes in.

It’s just disheartening. I am feeling a bit lonely at this time of the year. That’s not out of the ordinary though because it’s cool/cold. It reminds me of Christmas. It makes me homesick.

I’ll be okay though, I guess. My partner does what he can which I need to give him credit for.

I’d just like to keep my stress levels down and have enough money so I don’t have to worry so much. But such is life, right?

I don’t have the opportunity to express myself in over 500 character bits often (see Mastodon), so I thought maybe I’d discuss the way I am feeling lately.

Put simply, lately it’s been rough.

It seems like I’ve been feeling more things more often, even when medicated. Though I believe that this can be good at times, it can also can be bad. I find myself a bit more down lately and I think I’m writing this to find and explore the why of what’s happening.

On Mastodon, I complain a lot about work. I do shift work. Sometimes I work in the afternoon. Sometimes I work overnight. Rarely (by choice) I work in the mornings. Lately they’ve been all over the place. I find myself tired a lot. Exhausted. That frustrates me. Sometimes I just want to be awake when everybody else is and I want to sleep at the same time. That just doesn’t happen when I am struggling to sleep at night a lot.

To make life more fun, I am having to work more to cover my expenses. I am going back to study in a few weeks, and this is going to seriously impact the number of hours I work. I don’t like it.

As many of you know, I have a partner. He’s been hanging around for almost ten years now. He’s pretty good to me but lately there have been some issues popping up and it’s making it hard for me to stay productive.

A few years ago, I did a weird thing. I accepted a job that is across the state–one that would force me to move because driving 8 hours a day isn’t something that I would expect to do. I did it without much consultation with my partner but at the same time, I was hoping that it would inspire him to find work in a place where we’d have things to do and places to go. I was told when I moved to the countryside that it would be a one year stint. He’s been there for over five years now. I stayed for three years. When one of the employers that I wanted to work for asked me to do an interview, I jumped at the opportunity. I thought it might make him want to move here and work with the same place.

We had planned to move him here by the end of this month which obviously isn’t happening anymore. We’re just getting the finances together to build our house (which is a 20 minute drive from here). Changing employers isn’t a smart thing for him to be doing right now. I understand that. Though I am disappointed, I understand.

These two years of living by myself have been rough at times, but now I feel as if I am used to this. That’s hard for me to admit. Though I love my partner, I am used to the solitude. I’m used to doing whatever I want and how I want to do it. When he comes by, much of my life gets rearranged. The same thing happens when I go stay with him for a bit.

My partner has been stressed too but now he’s bringing up how I abandoned him–a lot and how it’s my fault that I am struggling financially. He tells me that I am constantly asking him for money–which I don’t. I do get afraid that some of my expenses will outpace my pay, especially while studying. I asked him just to put a bit into our joint account just in case. I have been putting money in there too in case I need it later. I think of it as savings–if I need it, fine. If I don’t need it, that’s okay too. It’s not an incentive to spend, but just to have something there. After the resulting conversation, I started feeling that I am lazy. A burden. Dumb. I just didn’t feel that great and those feelings have spilled into how I am feeling today.

One of my partner’s faults is that once he becomes fixated on something, he doesn’t let it go and he won’t listen so he took my suggestion of saving a little extra just in case I needed it as me wanting to work less. I just couldn’t tell him my plan because he heard the part of me being afraid I am not going to be able to pay my bills because I need to work less. It’s frustrating at times so all a person can say is “okay” to everything. Nothing else can be said.

I don’t really expect there to be much of a change from how things are today. I don’t plan to work less because, well, I can’t. If anything, I need to pick up one or two more shifts. I kept trying to tell him it was a security thing–just in case. At the end of us living apart, whatever is there can be spent on furniture or something for our new place.

I’m not really expecting my partner to move here until the house is finished and not a moment before. I was hoping for some sort of relief to concentrate on my studies which has been dragging on for way too long (I am just about done, by the way!). I won’t get that.

I am also risking not being able to go back home at the end of the year which I was really looking forward to. I had expected my partner to be here at that time.

There’s a lot happening in the old noggin of mine. I am really hoping I can process what to do about it soon. I’m not in crisis mode at the moment, but just stressed and worrisome. That’s not atypical though.

So if you’ve read all of this, I appreciate it. Sometimes it helps getting these feelings out. As I’ve said, things are manageable now. I’m not really much worse off until the end of the year but I kind of wished I had more support emotionally. My partner has his own stressors and has a lot going on, so sometimes it feels like I am alone in this world.

Until next time, take good care of yourselves. I will try my hardest to do the same… much love!

It’s been a long while since I’ve posted here and Mastodon probably isn’t the best way for me to post a big, huge wall of words so I thought I’d drop this in my personal weblog.

This topic may be sensitive to some people, so please keep this in mind.

For those who don’t know, I have suffered through severe depression and anxiety most of my life and I had gotten to the point where it was manageable. It took a while to get there so that I could at least function in my day-to-day life, but I got there through cognitive behavior therapy and a little help through medication.

Unfortunately, both have recently come back and with a vengeance. I have been having issues managing it. I haven’t been able to pull myself out of it like I have learned to do. Every single thought in my head lately has been one of negativity and sadness.

My family (including my partner) and friends have been noticing it for a while and I would brush it off and say “I am just really busy right now.” My mother said it sounded like I am really depressed and I said I am not depressed, just busy.

I have started hating everything: my job, my study, my financial situation, my inability to make myself better–basically I started hating myself and asking myself “why?”. I came to the conclusion that I deserved this and it would be temporary–just until the rest of the year and then I can relax. That morphed into “why bother?” to “why do I live to suffer?”. That’s a really scary place to be.

Not everybody can boast this, but my partner is what I consider as an expert in mental health. He’s got the study and experience to back that up. He has usually been around to get me to rethink my destructive thoughts, but we’ve been living in two different parts of Australia for over a year. I haven’t had the time to go see him as much I really should have. I may be a grumpy Gus around him at times, but I know he makes me feel happier. Just having his presence makes me feel a bit better.

I opened up to him last night about all the pressure I have been through. I told him directly how I am feeling about everything happening in my life. Basically, I told him that I’m sick of everything and feeling a lot of pressure constantly. I told him I am unhappy with the quality of my life right now.

What do I do then?

I am almost finished with my studying, but unfortunately, that came with more than 3 months of unpaid practice this year which was adding pressure to me financially. Not only that, it was adding a lot of pressure to me to perform well too. I just wanted it done but I am studying full-time. It was the root of my unhappiness.

I realised with juggling that with a job and the price of everything going up, it’s just not sustainable. I’ve burnt through my savings from having to take time off from work. I have been in the worst financial position I’ve been in since my 20s. That itself is not fun. I had gotten used to not worrying much about where my money is going because I had plenty coming in. My study schedule was the root of all my problems.

I’ve cut my course load. To make things better, I need to eradicate the problem at its roots like an annoying weed. I feel some relief, even now, that I am much happier today. My partner helped me realise that by doing this, it’s not the end of the world. If it’s really making me that unhappy and depressed, it needs to be fixed.

This will allow me to work more, relax more, and be more flexible with my time and energy.

I have just gotten so tired with everything happening and on top of that, having a house built, having to move the contents of my other rental here and stuff has really added to the pressure I’ve been going through but at least it’s more manageable now.

Something I have told myself is that I don’t have to be miserable. I can be stubborn which is probably how I got to that point, but at the end of the day, I’m going to be in a better mental state from being able to pinpoint my problems and come up with a solution.

The solution was a team effort though. I tell people this all the time: talking to someone about what you’re going through is sometimes the best thing you can possibly do. I know not everybody has a mental health professional at their disposal, but the other person just has to listen and understand what you’re going through. It’s difficult to do, yes, but at the end of the day, it’s the start of resolving issues. No one is perfect and I don’t want to be. Flaws are what makes me as quirky as I am. I’m okay with that.

So yeah, this is just a big long story of what’s happening lately and I am feeling a bit better. I need to do some reshuffling of my schedule, but everything will be okay. I’m pretty confident of that since I’m going to have more time this year to myself.

Next year though is already looking challenging, but at least I can prepare for it, right? RIGHT!

I haven’t been very talkative or social lately. Sometimes I feel bad that I don’t contact people or want to go out and do things, but I have accepted that this is how things are. There probably isn’t any changing it. As you have possibly read (or heard) in the past, I’m not a social butterfly. I’m more like a social sloth. Sure, I like to be social, but the less I have to do, the better.

I make all these excellent, grand plans to go to Melbourne, but I just can’t be bothered at the end of the day. It takes too much energy and effort to go. I deal with people constantly in my job, and I want and need a break from that. The little free time I have is spent enjoying my own company and sitting around in my old, but still loved, work clothes. They’re comfortable; what can I say?

Things haven’t calmed down with me. I am still stressed and am having a big problem managing my life. Our house won’t start its build when it was initially scheduled to start, so I have had to plan for more time apart from my significant other and have to keep renting a unit that will now cost me $400 more per month. That means I need to work more. Thankfully, I’ve got money in the bank to make up for the fact that I am not working as much as I could be, but that will not last forever. I kind of wish that I didn’t have to travel so much back and forth, but I guess this is one of those decisions I didn’t think over very well.

Yeah, it’s the same thing over and over again. I need some relief, but there’s no telling when I will get it, so in the meantime, I am very happy to take it easy every chance I get.

Hey! It looks like I’ve got some free time so I wanted to tell you guys a super big hello! Can you believe it? The year is almost over. Things have been so busy this year and next year will be much of the same. I already know this. There are so many things to do so I can finally take a break.

I’ve announced a few times that I have been working on a few ambient music tracks and have had to put them on the back burner for now. The last little track I shared I am not particularly proud of, so I want to do something a little more refined. They’ll come at some point. I just don’t know when.

Why do I keep saying that I will do it? To do one little music project is on my bucket list of things to do. Whether it sells nothing or a million, that’s my goal. I just don’t want to wait too late.

Healthwise, I am doing okay. I’m still experiencing pain at times, but it’s manageable. Mentally, I am feeling a bit better. It’s all good. I keep thinking about recording new podcast episodes, but just haven’t gotten around to doing it yet.

So I guess that’s it right now. I’m making a few little updates to Complicated Noise, but nothing worth mentioning really. I am still trying to do a code clean-up so that things load a little quicker.

Finally, it is done, and I am back home. I didn’t think that would ever end, but it did and now I’ve got one free night to myself before I have to plunge back into the wonderful world of working to earn money so I can level up my adulting. It’s not an exciting life, but it is my life.

Today, I spent my time going through boxes, getting out old electronics and stuff that I haven’t used in a really long time. I grabbed my old iPhone and Apple Watch out of my desk. The batteries were dead. I thought that I might try to sell some of the old stuff lying around.

But then I remembered how much I hate dealing with people about selling stuff online. I’m not too fond of the general stupidity of people on marketplaces. I powered it all up, activated a new line on my old phone, and then told myself it was okay because I needed a dedicated line for my business that I had done nothing with lately.

I do like my old iPhone though. The size is nice. It still functions just fine, but I really can’t be holding on to all these gadgets forever.

In the short time I’ve had two phones, I have to say that I don’t know how people do it. I think my husband totes around three of them for some reason.

I also dug out all my Philips Hue stuff. Set it all up, then realised that to power it, I needed to plug in an old Apple router, connect the Hue Bridge, and then plug in a light. That’s a lot of wasted energy. About 20 minutes later, I disconnected it and threw it into a box. I guess I just couldn’t be bothered anymore.

I think about it sometimes and think I should enjoy this freedom from everything while I can. In less than a year, my husband and I are moving into a new house and to be frankly honest, it still scares me a bit because I liked the freedom of not having to work my fingers to the bone for money. I feel like I will need to be an adult and act like one finally.

I guess that’s it from me for now. I think I’m just thankful to be in my own space so I can do my own thing in as few clothes as possible.

You know that butterflies in the stomach kind of feeling right before you submit something to be marked, knowing that it’s not the best thing you’ve ever written? How do you feel afterwards? Relief?

Well, I actually feel WORSE after I submit something. I don’t know why. I start to get physically sick. It sucks. I feel like it’s subpar probably because it is. I’ve been so busy that I just submitted what I could and called it a day. I figure something is better than nothing, right?

I’m away from home for a few more days. I’ll be so happy to get back home where I can do my own thing in as much clothing as I want. I never have liked the shared accommodation thing. I think I might have seen two of these people once each and that was just like a “hello”. I also get pretty annoying having to get dressed to go to the toilet.

Anyway, I guess I am a bit of a nudist but I don’t think everybody appreciates that.

So, 4/5 more days left and I am out of here. I’m over it. I want this to be done.

Hello everyone. I hope you’re well. If you aren’t, I sincerely hope things get better. I’ve been a bit busy lately with work, study, and other things in my life. My thoughts have been full of a lot of negativity, so I thought I’d come here and give myself some therapy. Life’s difficult at the moment. My health isn’t as excellent as it could be, but I’ll explain that below.

The Not-So-Good

Notice how I didn’t say “bad”? That’s the start of making me sad, unfulfilled, and mopey. So, let’s work through my stressors and what I can do about them.

Health

I am stressed. I’ve distanced myself from social media, friends, and even my partner. I believe that this stress has also overlapped with some health problems. For example, I’ve been having trouble with my gut again. I’ve always had some kind of issue with them from when I was a child. Nausea, vomiting, going to the toilet too much, going to the bathroom not enough, and stomach aches to summarise most of my childhood, unfortunately. It has been reoccurring so much that I had to go to the emergency department yesterday. I spent seven hours there yesterday. Again, my blood pressure is high. My blood pressure has been creeping up, and I’ve noticed that it would get terrible at work. My pulse would get up to over 120, and I would get dizzy. So yeah, things have been challenging. It seems to creep up more when I study and work.

Okay, that was a lot, right? So what is my plan to tackle this? First, I need to change my diet. Since I’ve moved away from my husband, I’ve been eating a LOT of fast food. It’s just convenient. I’ve got over 25,000 Macca’s Reward Points in just a few months. That’s probably about $235 or more in junk food. Can I fix that? Of course, I can. I can cook, and even when I do, it’s simple. I’ve also got a gym membership that doesn’t get used much, so it’s about time to start using it once I get back home. (I have two more weeks here before returning home.)

You know what else? My father passed away early because of his cardiovascular health, so I need to be more careful.

Work

We’re dealing with severe staff shortages at work, so when I go in, I have to do the work of two people since there is no available staff. It makes going to work a bit of a bummer, and it is exhausting. Don’t get me wrong, though–I love what I do. However, I don’t love it enough to keep myself exhausted. I need the money, but I don’t need the extra stress. The amount of work I do for my primary job is just enough so that I don’t end up hating my job.

Did you know that I have a second job in the same position? The same problems occur there, but they are multiplied. I definitely can’t work more than I do there. Also, this job is a four-hour drive away. The good thing is that I work when I can and have my husband there to keep me happy and sane.

Study

I’m studying in the same field I work in, and I sometimes feel like when I study, I don’t have the necessary time off from work. I’ve got extra pressures when I study, which physically and mentally wear me out. It is terrific that they’re related, but I feel as if I don’t have much of an escape when I need to get away from things.

Social Isolation

This isn’t such a problem for someone like me. I thoroughly enjoy the time and space I have for myself. I tend to distance myself when I am worried, depressed, stressed, or anxious. People see it as rude, but it is one of my coping mechanisms. I sometimes find that not talking about it or thinking about it helps. That’s usually not a long-term solution because look at what I’m doing now!

I am not paranoid about going out and catching COVID-19 or the flu. Given a choice, though, I would rather not have to deal with either of these conditions. So I go out shopping and stuff when I really need to. I’ve discovered, however, that it makes me incredibly anxious being out in public the longer I go without going out. I need more practice!

The Good

Now, let’s list some of the good things that are going on in my life.

Husband and Extended Family

My husband is incredibly supportive. I think sometimes he doesn’t agree with what I do–like moving away from him, but overall, he’s supportive and lets me know that he cares for and loves me regardless of how I feel. When I feel bad about a decision, I just talk to him, and he’ll usually get me to rethink it so that it doesn’t seem like such a terrible decision. We’ve just celebrated 5 years of marriage, and 99.4% of the time, I am happy with that decision. The 0.6% missing is that he is sometimes a bit too loud and annoying. I don’t like his singing, but because I love him, I deal with it.

I’m not a good singer too, and I’m sure he cringes every time I try to sing.

When I married him, I got some family members here in Australia, which is nice. It feels really nice knowing that they’re here. When I get lonely or something, I know that I can call them up or visit them. That feels great.

Work

As I’ve said, I love my job, and I usually feel pretty good about what I do at the end of the day. It doesn’t feel like a way to make money but a way to make a difference in people’s lives. When I am away from work for some time, I feel lost and am eager to return. Let’s just say that I love my job enough to the point I don’t want to suffer from burnout.

Study

I am almost done–for good!

Health

I might have high blood pressure, but there is still time to do something about it! So let’s do it! (I probably need to have my cholesterol checked too.)

Immediate Family

I am looking forward to returning to the USA to see them next year. 🙂

Conclusion

Things may not be perfect, but I feel there are ways to transform “bad” things into good ones. I know my health isn’t excellent at the moment, but these recent problems have shown me that there are ways to make it better. Even small changes are better than doing absolutely nothing. As much as I love KFC, I probably shouldn’t be eating it all the time. I will try to plan things a little better in the future. I will make it a point to enjoy work and take a deep breath when situations overwhelm me.

I think it’s essential to find the good out of every situation. Even with the worst problems, some good can come out of it. Sometimes it just takes a little searching, but it is entirely possible! Never give up hope and realise there is always potential to improve things. If it means visiting your general practitioner or doctor to get some help, then go for it. I have done that and feel there is absolutely no shame in that because, at the end of the day, you have to do what is right for you.

Grammarly tells me that this post sounds sad. I don’t mean for it to sound sad, but more hopeful. There are people around you (including me in that group) who you can talk to and help you get through things, and I am happy to help you think about things more helpfully. All you need to do is to reach out and ask.

I hope everyone is doing well and hope to update this weblog a little more often in the future.

So the podcast episode posting didn’t really happen this month. I don’t even know if the one I recorded in the car will even see the light of day yet. That’s okay. I’ve been pretty slack with updating that or anything here, so hopefully you’ll forgive me.

How are things going for me? Eh, they’ve been kind of crappy. I have had a serious lack of energy lately so I haven’t really done anything outside work and that’s incredibly sad.

Husband’s off in India and I’m kind of sitting around waiting for him to come back already. He just left last weekend and let’s not forget that I am living more or less by myself. I wanted to go to India, but I’ve got too much happening around me at the moment. Too many commitments. That’s not very fun.

I’m going to try to record very soon, remembering that I might be repeating myself a little bit. That’s okay, right?

I’m just perpetually sick and tired and I wish that I could just feel better at some point.