health

A Little of This and A Little of That

| Ben

Hi folks.

It’s been quite a while before I’ve dumped my random thoughts here, but I thought I’d do that rather than dump a whole lot of garbage on Mastodon. Don’t worry, you can thank me later.

Right now, I’m sick at home with a chest infection which I haven’t had for a very long time. I’m not sure what caused it, but I am pretty miserable. Regrettably, I’ve had to miss a few days of work to recover, but hopefully I’ll feel better soon. I’ve got a few weeks of annual leave that I need to take in a couple of months and need that couple of hours per paycheque so I can get paid for all of it. Saving anything (including money) has been a challenge lately.

Our new house build is coming along nicely. The exterior is just about done and the builders are starting to put up the dry wall inside. The inside still looks unimpressive, but it’s getting there. I am hoping it will be done mid-year. I’m getting tired of paying rent. I am going to miss my place close to the beach and the city, but kind of tired of having to listen to the traffic all the time. The air is probably not that great for me too. Air purifiers can only do so much, yeah?

Work is work. I don’t hate my job, but I’m also not that enthusiastic to go in when I don’t know what area I am working in. My job requires me to work in various sectors with various specialisations and it would be nice not to have that “jack-of-all-trades, but master of none” feeling I constantly have. At the end of the year, I’ll hopefully be able to alleviate some of that unknowing feeling.

The husband’s job search hasn’t really landed him any leads so he’s decided that he’s going to try to get a promotion at the place he works (and I used to work). Again, that place is about 4 hours away, one-way, from where I’m living now. It’s a good pay rise and probably a good option until something is available around where we’ll be moving. I’m not overly enthusiastic about it because we haven’t really lived together about half the time we’ve been married, but as long as it’s temporary, I guess I’m okay.

It also seems like the years are just passing by and I’m having those mid-life crisis thoughts. No, I don’t need a new car or anything, but I feel like I probably shouldn’t have wasted most of my life being lazy. I’m really feeling aged now and feel like there is so much more I could be doing, you know, like travelling and stuff. I admit that I didn’t work so hard earlier in my life and I wish I would have. I kind of thought that my boyish good looks would get me by, but once you hit a certain age in the gay world, that doesn’t work anymore.

If you’re a young gay guy who thinks they can sweet talk people, go to the gym every day, and not work hard, you’re going to be paying for it later. I mean, yeah, some people have the luxury of having this last a long time, but it doesn’t last. I’m actually amazed that someone wanted to marry me when I was in my late 30s. 😉 I’m not all bad, but charm and good looks aren’t on my side anymore.

What’s happening that’s good? That’s a tough one right now. Other than feeling like total garbage right now, things could be worse. The summer hasn’t been too bad. Still have a job. Red (my dachshund) is doing okay though getting a bit chubby. I’ll be finishing up my last bit of study this year which will be GREAT and well, I’m okay. It may sound depressing, but I’m okay.

That’s the update for now. I hope you and everybody you care about is doing well. 🙂

When the Anxiety Takes Over

| Ben

My anxiousness has crept up on me again and it’s been a bit of a nuisance. For anybody who doesn’t experience ongoing anxiety, consider yourself lucky.

When I explain it to people, I explain it like this: You know that first day worry and anxiousness you have on the first day of working in a new place? That’s what I experience every day that I go to work. I am anxious about many things, more than half will probably not happen. It can get debilitating. It sometimes makes me physically sick. I have missed a lot of work because it’s so easy to work myself up into a frenzy. I love my work 90% of the time. I love what I do, but that fear of not doing a good job lingers.

I have the same feeling sometimes in public. It’s constant worrying. For example, did I shave my head right? Does it have stripes on the back of my head that I missed? Is it red? Is it razor burnt? Everybody sees it and they’re judging me for being sloppy and unkempt. In reality, people don’t scrutinize that much, but my brain doesn’t accept that all the time.

Today I was at the gym and was worried about everybody looking at me. Am I doing things right? Do they notice that I shake a lot? In reality, no one really cares. My brain just didn’t accept that.

It has been really bad in the past without it being controlled. I control it a bit with medication, but I use cognitive behaviour therapy as well to help myself. Lately it’s just been a bit sloppy. I don’t know why and it kind of bothers me a bit.

A lot of what I DON’T do is because this anxiety takes over. I could be so much more productive and happy without it. Some days I don’t let it bother me. It’s just hard to do lately. I don’t release my projects to the public because of it.

My husband is my mental health expert. It’s hard sometimes because he’s able to diffuse some of my negative thinking patterns and make me realise that I am overthinking things. It has been up to me to get by since I moved.

While out today after the first workout I’ve had in a very long time, I thought about my life in general and need to make some changes. I want to unleash my full potential. I’ll get there, but it will take time. But you know something? I think that’s totally acceptable to me.

Heartrated

| Ben

Hi there. Before I start just let me preface this by saying that I’m posting from my phone which will mean this will be short and sweet. Oh, and there may be terrible grammar in here too.

I’ve been busy. I can’t explain why my work life has exploded. I haven’t even really worked more hours or anything but the work I’m doing is more strenuous. Maybe that’s why I feel so worn out.

I’m also feeling like the anxiety is starting to creep in. There are reasons for that because of the job I work in but it’s at a bad level. Let me show you what it’s been like courtesy of my smart watch.

Let me explain. You can see when I’m at home (probably asleep) vs when I’m at work. A heart rate that is over 100 beats per minute is considered tachycardia. This is at rest. I say that loosely though. I am incredibly anxious at work but a lot of it is physical too. Hours of having a high heart rate from doing something that isn’t strenuous isn’t great.

I’m incredibly out of shape too. Not big or chubby but out of shape. I’m going to try to work on this because my strength is so low lately. My husband has resisted my requests to go back to the gym for a few years because I’m usually happy to pay more for bigger facilities that has a pool. I think I’m going to go back because my lack of strength and energy is scary.

Did I mention that my blood pressure that day was very high too? Scary stuff. This is the kind of stuff that has made a lot of my family member’s lives miserable. I need to break that cycle.

I wish myself luck.