The Feels

I don’t have the opportunity to express myself in over 500 character bits often (see Mastodon), so I thought maybe I’d discuss the way I am feeling lately.

Put simply, lately it’s been rough.

It seems like I’ve been feeling more things more often, even when medicated. Though I believe that this can be good at times, it can also can be bad. I find myself a bit more down lately and I think I’m writing this to find and explore the why of what’s happening.

On Mastodon, I complain a lot about work. I do shift work. Sometimes I work in the afternoon. Sometimes I work overnight. Rarely (by choice) I work in the mornings. Lately they’ve been all over the place. I find myself tired a lot. Exhausted. That frustrates me. Sometimes I just want to be awake when everybody else is and I want to sleep at the same time. That just doesn’t happen when I am struggling to sleep at night a lot.

To make life more fun, I am having to work more to cover my expenses. I am going back to study in a few weeks, and this is going to seriously impact the number of hours I work. I don’t like it.

As many of you know, I have a partner. He’s been hanging around for almost ten years now. He’s pretty good to me but lately there have been some issues popping up and it’s making it hard for me to stay productive.

A few years ago, I did a weird thing. I accepted a job that is across the state–one that would force me to move because driving 8 hours a day isn’t something that I would expect to do. I did it without much consultation with my partner but at the same time, I was hoping that it would inspire him to find work in a place where we’d have things to do and places to go. I was told when I moved to the countryside that it would be a one year stint. He’s been there for over five years now. I stayed for three years. When one of the employers that I wanted to work for asked me to do an interview, I jumped at the opportunity. I thought it might make him want to move here and work with the same place.

We had planned to move him here by the end of this month which obviously isn’t happening anymore. We’re just getting the finances together to build our house (which is a 20 minute drive from here). Changing employers isn’t a smart thing for him to be doing right now. I understand that. Though I am disappointed, I understand.

These two years of living by myself have been rough at times, but now I feel as if I am used to this. That’s hard for me to admit. Though I love my partner, I am used to the solitude. I’m used to doing whatever I want and how I want to do it. When he comes by, much of my life gets rearranged. The same thing happens when I go stay with him for a bit.

My partner has been stressed too but now he’s bringing up how I abandoned him–a lot and how it’s my fault that I am struggling financially. He tells me that I am constantly asking him for money–which I don’t. I do get afraid that some of my expenses will outpace my pay, especially while studying. I asked him just to put a bit into our joint account just in case. I have been putting money in there too in case I need it later. I think of it as savings–if I need it, fine. If I don’t need it, that’s okay too. It’s not an incentive to spend, but just to have something there. After the resulting conversation, I started feeling that I am lazy. A burden. Dumb. I just didn’t feel that great and those feelings have spilled into how I am feeling today.

One of my partner’s faults is that once he becomes fixated on something, he doesn’t let it go and he won’t listen so he took my suggestion of saving a little extra just in case I needed it as me wanting to work less. I just couldn’t tell him my plan because he heard the part of me being afraid I am not going to be able to pay my bills because I need to work less. It’s frustrating at times so all a person can say is “okay” to everything. Nothing else can be said.

I don’t really expect there to be much of a change from how things are today. I don’t plan to work less because, well, I can’t. If anything, I need to pick up one or two more shifts. I kept trying to tell him it was a security thing–just in case. At the end of us living apart, whatever is there can be spent on furniture or something for our new place.

I’m not really expecting my partner to move here until the house is finished and not a moment before. I was hoping for some sort of relief to concentrate on my studies which has been dragging on for way too long (I am just about done, by the way!). I won’t get that.

I am also risking not being able to go back home at the end of the year which I was really looking forward to. I had expected my partner to be here at that time.

There’s a lot happening in the old noggin of mine. I am really hoping I can process what to do about it soon. I’m not in crisis mode at the moment, but just stressed and worrisome. That’s not atypical though.

So if you’ve read all of this, I appreciate it. Sometimes it helps getting these feelings out. As I’ve said, things are manageable now. I’m not really much worse off until the end of the year but I kind of wished I had more support emotionally. My partner has his own stressors and has a lot going on, so sometimes it feels like I am alone in this world.

Until next time, take good care of yourselves. I will try my hardest to do the same… much love!

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