It’s been a long while since I’ve posted here and Mastodon probably isn’t the best way for me to post a big, huge wall of words so I thought I’d drop this in my personal weblog.
This topic may be sensitive to some people, so please keep this in mind.
For those who don’t know, I have suffered through severe depression and anxiety most of my life and I had gotten to the point where it was manageable. It took a while to get there so that I could at least function in my day-to-day life, but I got there through cognitive behavior therapy and a little help through medication.
Unfortunately, both have recently come back and with a vengeance. I have been having issues managing it. I haven’t been able to pull myself out of it like I have learned to do. Every single thought in my head lately has been one of negativity and sadness.
My family (including my partner) and friends have been noticing it for a while and I would brush it off and say “I am just really busy right now.” My mother said it sounded like I am really depressed and I said I am not depressed, just busy.
I have started hating everything: my job, my study, my financial situation, my inability to make myself better–basically I started hating myself and asking myself “why?”. I came to the conclusion that I deserved this and it would be temporary–just until the rest of the year and then I can relax. That morphed into “why bother?” to “why do I live to suffer?”. That’s a really scary place to be.
Not everybody can boast this, but my partner is what I consider as an expert in mental health. He’s got the study and experience to back that up. He has usually been around to get me to rethink my destructive thoughts, but we’ve been living in two different parts of Australia for over a year. I haven’t had the time to go see him as much I really should have. I may be a grumpy Gus around him at times, but I know he makes me feel happier. Just having his presence makes me feel a bit better.
I opened up to him last night about all the pressure I have been through. I told him directly how I am feeling about everything happening in my life. Basically, I told him that I’m sick of everything and feeling a lot of pressure constantly. I told him I am unhappy with the quality of my life right now.
What do I do then?
I am almost finished with my studying, but unfortunately, that came with more than 3 months of unpaid practice this year which was adding pressure to me financially. Not only that, it was adding a lot of pressure to me to perform well too. I just wanted it done but I am studying full-time. It was the root of my unhappiness.
I realised with juggling that with a job and the price of everything going up, it’s just not sustainable. I’ve burnt through my savings from having to take time off from work. I have been in the worst financial position I’ve been in since my 20s. That itself is not fun. I had gotten used to not worrying much about where my money is going because I had plenty coming in. My study schedule was the root of all my problems.
I’ve cut my course load. To make things better, I need to eradicate the problem at its roots like an annoying weed. I feel some relief, even now, that I am much happier today. My partner helped me realise that by doing this, it’s not the end of the world. If it’s really making me that unhappy and depressed, it needs to be fixed.
This will allow me to work more, relax more, and be more flexible with my time and energy.
I have just gotten so tired with everything happening and on top of that, having a house built, having to move the contents of my other rental here and stuff has really added to the pressure I’ve been going through but at least it’s more manageable now.
Something I have told myself is that I don’t have to be miserable. I can be stubborn which is probably how I got to that point, but at the end of the day, I’m going to be in a better mental state from being able to pinpoint my problems and come up with a solution.
The solution was a team effort though. I tell people this all the time: talking to someone about what you’re going through is sometimes the best thing you can possibly do. I know not everybody has a mental health professional at their disposal, but the other person just has to listen and understand what you’re going through. It’s difficult to do, yes, but at the end of the day, it’s the start of resolving issues. No one is perfect and I don’t want to be. Flaws are what makes me as quirky as I am. I’m okay with that.
So yeah, this is just a big long story of what’s happening lately and I am feeling a bit better. I need to do some reshuffling of my schedule, but everything will be okay. I’m pretty confident of that since I’m going to have more time this year to myself.
Next year though is already looking challenging, but at least I can prepare for it, right? RIGHT!