A Very Possible End to an Era

Hi folks! I know that my posts here and new podcast episodes have begun to get more and more irregular for the past year and if you actually read this and somehow look forward to new content, I apologise. It has been a very brutal couple of years.

First, I’d like to say thank you for reading. I wouldn’t be doing this if I didn’t believe I had some kind of audience. I know that audience has shrunk over the past few years and I accept that.

I am becoming more and more reluctant to discuss my private life and inner thoughts because I realise so much can be regurgitated and thrown in my face later. What goes up on the internet can possibly stick around forever. I’ve found the amount of oversharing I’ve done over the past 20+ years is alarming and well, I am growing very tired of it. My personal website is suffering and I’ve thought about just quitting quite a few times. Every time I try to, I come back because I like being creative. I see web design sometimes as an artistic craft. I like digital art.

What I am trying to say is that it is very possible that this will be my final year with a personal website. I might try to keep it around for my more creative projects if I can get to the point where I want to SHARE that with people. Who knows. As I’ve said before, every time I try to stop, I end up coming back. Do I fight the urge or do I let things go?

The podcast is suffering as well. I know I’ve had 3 or 4 restarts of it because my interest comes and goes. I tried to motivate myself by making a posting schedule as a guideline. Obviously, that hasn’t worked because the last one I recorded was back in October. The next one has been moved about 6 or 7 times now. That’s not good. Again, it’s about not sharing so much. I’m happy to keep it around, but if I do continue it, I want it to be a little showcase of the stuff I make.

I’m going to see how the year goes. I am still developing my website, but I am removing things going forward.

As always, I hope this finds you well. I hope everything is going well for you. I will be around in one form or another, but I am guessing you’re going to have to make some effort to find me.

Down, But Not Out

I’ve been a bit quiet lately.

Do I have the holiday blues? Not really. One of the things I’ve learned to accept is that I only want to do Christmas when it’s cold. There aren’t any decorations in my house. There aren’t any reminders that Christmas is only 5 days away.

Things are a little harder these days and I seem to want to be alone more. The only person I really want to see or interact with is my partner because he helps me put my thoughts into perspective. He does a really good job with that. He’s well-equipped for that academically and professionally. When I am feeling low, he’s my go-to person. At the same time, I don’t want to burden him with my issues, because I know my poor guy lives in a stressful world of his own. One of the hardest things for me to accept is that there are people who are happy to listen to my issues and problems.

I’ve just been down lately but as weird as it sounds, I am not feeling depressed. I am just down because my money isn’t lasting as long as it used to. Since I’ve moved, I’ve been struggling a bit more, but at the same time, I am not suffering. I’d like to save more though. The fact that I’m not able to save more is really bothering me because I am going to be paying a mortgage soon. I feel like I just finished paying my overdue debts from when I moved here permanently. (I made quite a few bad decisions–like not paying my bills.)

My primary job is really stressful and I try to limit going overboard with it so I can stay sane. I just need to work more and that in turn is adding to my stress. I’m also separated from my partner as well. I do get pretty excited when I get to see him. I get to see him on Wednesday afternoon, but who’s counting down? I absolutely love this guy and I’d love to share more of our lives together, but well, yeah, I know we have to keep things a bit under wraps publicly.

It could be worse, maybe?

So yeah, I am working nights mostly. I sleep during the day and I am awake at night. I woke up at 11 pm, got up and played ARK and here I am now at 5 am. Things are quiet when I have nights off. I kind of like it sometimes, but it’s so weird because I don’t answer messages and calls because I feel like I’m sleeping all the time. It’s why I haven’t been able to do much with my websites lately.

So, yeah, it’s just a temporary down. I find the good things in every crappy situation and it helps. It lasts for a day or two, and then I am fine. It doesn’t last weeks like it used to. I just wish things were a bit more manageable and wish that my partner was a bit closer. I also realise that people are doing it worse than I am right now. I am very grateful I have a job and a place I like (though all the damned moths are driving me insane).

I shall be back with a podcast episode soon, I hope. I have picked up a few more work days so don’t expect anything long and magical. That’s all from me. Thanks for listening.

Today’s Podcast Episode is Cancelled

I didn’t know where I should post this, so I am posting it here. Podcasting hasn’t really been a priority for me lately, so I have cancelled my next planned podcast episode. That means that will try really hard to care enough to do another one before the end of the year. We will see whether that happens or not.

Moving to my own space that I don’t depend on my partner to share costs makes money a bit tight, so I’ve had to work a bit more. Working more makes me more tired and of course that makes me care a lot less. My hosting costs have gone up around 33% as well, so believe me, I have thought about abandoning everything. I decided against it because this is my therapy. Believe me, right now I need this more than I have needed it in years.

In the upcoming year, I want to focus less on podcasting and more on my other projects. I’ve also made the decision to wind down my IT consulting. I have this problem of wanting to do too many things at the same time, so I am stepping back in hopes that it will improve my mental health. It’s having a bit of a rough run right now, and instead of letting things get bad, I thought maybe I should try to enjoy living a bit more. It’s hard to do when you’re spending most of your time at work. Of course, if you love what you do, that’s good, right?

I like what I do. I don’t always love it, but I am happy with what I’m doing now. I’ve had a week off and heading back tomorrow.

Didn’t I just say that I needed to work more? Yes. I am working all my required hours in one clump, and then “relaxing” later. I am not broke. I am not having money problems, but my partner regularly informs me that we’re building a house next year and gets angry every time I think about doing anything for myself.

Oh well.

So this is a little bit of what I would have put in a podcast episode. Some people don’t like to read. I don’t blame you. And right now, I’m sick of hearing about peoples’ problems.

I’m gonna go for now. I am also rewriting the code to my website. It looks similar, but quite a lot is being removed… mostly code is being removed that isn’t optimised or is not being used. Whatever makes it function better. New media player. New feedback options. That kind of thing.

I’m outta here. Take care of yourselves.

Random Stuff in November

Wow! The new year is just around the corner and what a socially isolated year it has been. I can probably count the number of times I posted here on my fingers and toes. I guess that’s what happens when you can’t go anywhere and do anything.

So what’s happening for the rest of the year for me?

Podcasting

Two more episodes are coming (as far as I’ve planned). Both are kind of those “obligatory” episodes–the giving thanks and Christmas-time/end-of-year one. I’m just going to explain what my blessings have been over the year and what is coming in the year ahead (if everything goes nicely).

Website

I am really struggling to justify why I even have a personal website and have told people that this upcoming year is probably the last year. I say that a lot, but it rarely happens. So… who knows what’s going to happen. I am working on stuff though, mostly the link router code, podcast guide code, and media player. I’m actually currently working on all three in my spare time.

Spare Time?

I don’t have much due to my new job and travelling, sadly. So progress is a bit slow.

Lemonade in the Machine

I spilled lemonade (the equivalent of Sprite or 7-up) in my keyboard. Boo.

Watching the Case for Luxuries

I want to update my Apple Watch from the series 4 to the latest. Because I keep getting sick and have a very small amount of sick hours, I can’t get that right now. It’s a luxury that I can do without. It’s the first time in a while that my finances are very tight. I am okay, but if you think you don’t have money, you will spend less, right?

Accounting and Coffee

I don’t know if you knew, but if you have an account at my website, you can access not-so-public stuff like podcast episodes that aren’t on the feed and some of my music. If you support me with 3 coffees, I’ll give you access to that for about a year. Just tell me through the contact form after you sign up for an account, and I’ll credit you.

I will warn you that not a lot is available at the moment, but there is some new content. Right now, anybody with an account can access the hidden stuff so you don’t have to give me coffee if you don’t want to. I do like coffee though! 😉

End

There’s not much more to say except that I am not posting much on Twitter or this blog lately. I use Mastodon instead. Follow me if you want to.

What Happens Now?

It’s that time of the year: my hosting account needs a sacrifice of money to continue. Fun fact though: I have paid next year’s hosting about 6 months ago. I’ve had a personal website since 1998 and I have been oversharing what happens in my life since then.

I have been documenting some aspects of my life for a really long time. In hindsight, I have made a ton of mistakes and probably have ruined any chance I have running for any political office due to my sometimes not-so-popular opinions.

The Internet has allowed me to open up about things and get things off my chance over the years which is a good thing. There were times when I thought I was alone only to find that I wasn’t. Sometimes I think the connection with like-minded individuals probably saved my life. I’m so thankful for that.

Until I discovered this big online world, I was shy and well, I didn’t have many friends. Of course, a lot of that was due to my upbringing. I like my quiet life mostly. I don’t think I would really enjoy getting attention. I don’t know how I would handle that, but I have to say that I can see how celebrities go off the deep end at times.

Lately, and especially since I moved away from my partner, I have felt like I want some attention. I need some form of social interaction but living in a “new” place makes it a bit hard. Sure, I’ve got extended family there, but I don’t feel like I can rush there every time I get sad, lonely, and unhappy.

As I write this, I am in my “old” place with my husband and I am pretty happy. I miss the guy a lot even if he irritates me sometimes. It will be hard to return home when I have to go in a few days.

I will be fine. I chose this lonely sort of life but at the same time, I know that I have the support of strangers which, in a way, makes me feel better.

Rambling completed. It’s nice to have you here, even if you just read. 🙂

Happy Halloween

Here’s hoping that you have a scary Halloween! Stuff your face of treats and don’t forget to scare the piss out of your friends!

woman in black dress standing on brown dried leaves
Photo by Monstera on Pexels.com

I don’t really do the Halloween thing in Australia and I am a little jealous when I see all my family and friends having a good time. Whatever you do, be safe and stay healthy! 🙂

#65: Coasting Through

If you’d like to subscribe to the podcast you can use Apple Podcasts or Google Podcasts.

Podcasting is getting more and more “difficult” for me. This is your warning.

I’ve been working on the website lately. If you have any problems anywhere, or any feedback for me, just let me know by leaving a comment here or by sending me a message here.

Slacking

My post-move podcast episode is on the backburner right now. I just don’t have the time and energy to record anything. Moving away is stressful and separating from the partner isn’t easy either. (We are still a couple, but I took a job somewhere else. I still can’t remove that feeling of feeling that this has been a really selfish move.

As you can see, I am having a hard time processing things, but also, my lovely partner has been so supportive in all this. He’s a gem. I still feel like what I did was selfish.

Anyway, I am just letting everybody know what’s happening with me, and as I said, I will try my hardest to record something… I might just bring along my phone and record with it.

I’ll see you all later. I am all good.

Creative Project Update: Visible Form

Almost one year ago, I said that I was working on some music projects. One of those was called “Visible Form”. Did you know that I am still working on it?

Visible Form

I have a bit of a problem: I am too much of a perfectionist and I refuse to share anything with the public if I feel like it’s not good enough. I also understand that no one is perfect too. I’ve made a few things for this collection of computer-generated static and sound. I actually like what I’ve created… mostly. I want to add to it. That’s what I’ll be doing with my free time in the next year.

If you’ve listened to my podcasts lately, some of it I’ve used early versions in my introductions.

I guess what I am saying is that I am still at work on it. A few little things have prevented me from creating faster over the year, mostly not being able to get in that mental space I need to be in. Since I am moving into my own place, I am going to be able to do this a little quicker.

Time frame? Who the hell knows? I don’t even know yet.

Track listing? “Visible Form”, “Ruby Rise”, “Away Scene”, “Conjoin”, “Mercurial” and possibly another one or two. “Away Scene” is probably my most favourite right now. I’ve also created something called “am” which may inspire me to make more time-inspired music. We’ll see how it goes. I don’t want this first thing (in a long time) to take longer than it has to.

With all these big changes in my life, I am having some pretty big shifts in my mood and feelings, so let’s put that to a good use, eh? Hopefully you’ll hear more soon.

The Cat’s Out of the Bagel

I’ve been delaying my new podcast episode because things are a little crazy right now.

Meow

Long story short: I’ve got a new job and I’m moving more than 4 hours away from here. I’ve been busy trying to find a place and it hasn’t been easy. If you have a hard time with rejection and you’d like some practice, apply for rental houses. You’ll get used to it after a while. It still feels bad, but I have to say that the ones they’ve rejected need tenants right away. I started applying for places that need tenants after I leave my job here. Right now, there’s like a 2-5 day gap from me leaving my current role and going to my new one. So my schedule is pretty tight.

I’m still looking for a house but with no notice, I can’t find a place and move into it. Plus, I want to save a bit more.

I have a lot of feelings with this move and I don’t feel like I’ve processed them yet, so my next podcast episode will be full of processing. It’s not a simple move, unfortunately. No breakups or separations are involved, by the way. 😉

Everybody take care of yourselves. Excuse the grammatical issues you may run into. See you later!

Things Are Happening

Sorry for missing my podcast episode date. There are a lot of changes happening in my life that I’ll talk about in it. It’s kept me from being online very much.

I know this is short, but at least it’s something, right? 🙂

I hope everybody is doing well. 🙂

My Struggles with Anxiety, Part 138,392,873

I feel like a majority of my Tweets and Toots (on Mastodon) is about my sleep quality. Okay, let me narrow that down to horrible sleep quality. I am telling you people, my sleep has been horrendous since I applied for the job I applied for.

I haven’t heard anything. I’ve poked and prodded. Still, I’ve heard nothing.

But this is the thing: I don’t need that job. I am pretty content at the place I am at now, but I crave a change, but at the same time, I am happy if that change doesn’t happen.

What’s driving me crazy though is knowing whether I got the job or not. Sure, it’ll give me something else to think about because it will no doubt uproot my personal life and cause a few issues with my husband’s job and visa. So, I said I would cross that bridge when I got it. The new place is honestly a place where I would LOVE to work at in a city that I would love to live in again.

I don’t know. I want to get back to the life I had when I first moved to Australia. I miss the city. At a time when people want to move away, I want to move closer to (or better yet, in) a big city.

Having said this and the state of my mental health, I don’t think that the next podcast episode will arrive in the time frame I planned. No big deal because we have to look out after ourselves first, right?

I just really wish that I had a normal functioning mind where the what-ifs don’t control me. I wish I didn’t constantly question myself and my decisions. I wish that the decisions that don’t make a difference in my life, um… don’t bother me as much. This is my struggle with anxiety right now.

Things Are A Little Confusing Right Now But I Will Be Okay, I’m Sure

Title says it all. Things are a little crazy at the moment.

I recently applied for a new job that is across the state which presents many issues between my personal and professional lives. I am so stressed about making the right decision, but then again, I haven’t really gotten the new job yet.

I applied for a job and was contacted for an interview in 3 days. I wasn’t expecting a result that fast, but my partner was very unhappy that I applied for work that is about four hours away from here. I got to carry a certain amount of guilt with me to the place, through the interview, and back again. I am waiting on their decision. Since my interview, I’ve been very sick. My jaw hurts. I’ve been getting headaches. It’s no fun at all. It’s at a place where I’ve wanted to work permanently for a long time.

I still don’t know what to do, but at some point I’ll have to decide.

That’s what’s stressing me at the moment. I hope that I have good news later–but will that “good” news be good? It remains to be seen. I just need to learn my fate from this company.

See you around. 🙂